Are you an expert at imploding your own happiness? Don’t stop on my account! Learn why you sabotage yourself to perfect the art of ruining all the good you might accidentally acquire.
Why do we self-sabotage? It seems counterproductive to our biology. How can we live long and reproduce, breeding healthy, squealing generations if everyone hates us because we’ve orchestrated a plot to drive them as far away as possible? Many people strive off of being likable. They groom themselves to hit certain levels of appeal, collecting and cherishing social media likes along the way. What could cause people to eschew sought after validation in favor of social isolation and failure? Psychology Today says people self-sabotage, which can concisely be summed up as standing in your own way, for a variety of reasons. From procrastinating a high-priority presentation for four hours of Netflix to spoiling a diet with chocolate cake, we are often the main obstacle when it comes to obtaining what we want and need.
Self-worth is one of the leading factors when it comes to understanding why we stand in our own way. Perhaps we have good things at our disposal, but because we feel inherently unworthy of receiving them, we destroy what good we have. Some people even push themselves harder to succeed to compensate for their glaring lack of self-worth only to enter into a never-ending cycle of self-imposed turmoil. For those who don’t participate in self-sabotaging behavior, it can be quite confusing to comprehend. But consider the psychological experience of cognitive dissonance. When beliefs, ideas, and behaviors contradict each other, one experiences a sense of cognitive dissonance that tells their brain something is amiss. Rather than tell themselves that they are worthy of their good fortune, self-sabotaging individuals instead throw an axe in the positive aspects of their lives. In short, it’s much easier to rearrange one’s life to match the idea that they are useless and undeserving rather than lift one’s spirits to recognize they deserve their happiness and success. That is the bleak but often truthful reality of the situation.
There are other reasons, of course, why individuals engage in self-sabotaging behavior. What better reason do we have for knocking the success of our lives off-axis than to gain a sense of control? (I warned you, none of this makes logical sense.) For the average individual, having good things fills them with a sense of positivity. For the self-sabotaging person, having good things is a constant source of stress. Happiness is merely a ticking time bomb, and rather than torture oneself in the nerve-wracking wait for the other shoe to inevitably drop, self-sabotaging your happiness gives you control over your failure and misery. Instead of anxious anticipating the worst, you can be the master of your own failed ship, lending a sense of control to the impermanence, chaos, and disappointment running rife in the world.
Is self-sabotaging slowly beginning to make sense? In a strange way, it’s a coping mechanism centered around comfort. Which brings us to a third reason why many choose to implode their own happiness. Consider the possibility that being unhappy is simply what we know.
That’s right. Humans have an inherent drive to stick to what’s familiar regardless of whether or not it is their best or healthiest choice. Some situations we allow ourselves to remain in provide nothing positive or productive for our existence, though we allow ourselves to remain because it is comfortable. Rather than venture out of our comfort zone and seek to attain something of value, it’s far easier to curl back up in the same seed of failure and doubt that we’ve spent so long consistently marinating in. Instead of allowing ourselves the opportunity for something great, it’s safer to rely on the paltry reality of what we already have. As a bonus, sticking with the tried and true when it has nothing to offer means there is no way of being let down. On the other hand, seeking something better creates a ledge that we can fall off. Staying firmly on the ground lends a sense of control that causes us to partner firmly with what we know. There’s simply no reason to risk messing with the equation, even if what we know is misery, failure, mistreatment, and exploitation,
The pith of self-sabotage might lie within an inherent feeling of worthlessness that sets one up to feel undeserving of good things, but in many cases, there are more ingredients in the recipe. But as I conclude, I propose a challenge. If you have managed to overpower your biological needs to survive and thrive in favor of self-imposed failure, then this simple request should be paltry by comparison. Here is what I am proposing: for just one minute, consider the reality that maybe you are actually worth it. Perhaps there is a chance that you are not a bad person and there isn’t anything so irredeemable about you. Maybe you’ve done bad things, but they don’t necessarily define who you have become. If you can see just a fraction of a chance that this is possible, hold on to that hope. With hope, there is the possibility that you can allow yourself to succeed and retain that success. Because with that success, perhaps you can amend for the reasons why you didn’t think you were worth it in the first place.
Give yourself permission to let go of your guilt and embrace happiness. No one else can do that for you.