Not all forms of abuse are overtly obvious. Today I explore a form of emotional abuse that is centered around withholding affection as a form of punishment and control.

No relationship, whether professional, romantic, or platonic, is perfect. However, there are certain situations in relationships that are indicators of toxic issues that may be cause for the relationship’s termination. While obvious signs of abuse, such as hitting or name-calling, can be more evident to spot, other forms of abuse may not be immediately recognizable. One form of emotional abuse known as emotional withholding can silently erode relationships and cause emotional turmoil for the partner on the receiving end of the situation. Are you familiar with emotional withholding? Learn more about this toxic response to relationship stressors to avoid having it happen to you.

Withholding Affection 101

It’s natural to require validation. People often want to know that they please others, particularly those they care about. That is why we pay regular compliments to our loved ones, expressing our affection and admiration for the people we love so that they may know their importance to us. Emotional withholding, on the other hand, serves as a device to punish one’s partner by denying them the love and affection that is present in any healthy relationship. It can be a jarring thing to experience. One moment your partner is showering you with love and affection, but all of a sudden the tables turn, and you are faced with stonewalled rejection. Not only is the sudden lack of love jarring, but it can be deeply confusing.

Emotional withholding, also known as avoidant abuse, utilizes praise, affection, and presence as a weapon of control and punishment. The abuser withholds their affection at will to inflict pain on their partner, at times using this manipulation to control their partner’s behavior. To put this abuse into a scenario, one might be in a seemingly blissful relationship, but as soon as the person goes against their partner’s wishes or refuses to comply with their will, they will be hit with the cold shoulder until they comply with their partner’s wants. When emotional withholding occurs in relationships, sex and intimacy become weaponized, as the core foundation of a healthy relationship is used as a means to hurt someone. Rather than receive the approval and love that humans so innately crave, the abused party is made to feel as though they must “earn” love from their partner through doing and saying things that please the other person.

Why Do People Withhold Affection?

Why would someone stay with a partner who makes them feel so isolated and desolate? As with any case of the abused party choosing to remain in the relationship, it’s complicated. For one, abuse isn’t always easy to recognize. Even if you are experiencing abuse, it requires a lot of courage to be able to put a name to what is happening and even more courage to extract yourself from the situation. It becomes even more complicated, and at times might feel impossible, to exit a toxic situation if you have real feelings for your partner. On the other hand, humans naturally seek approval, so being denied such a core need can cause them to crave it even more, further driving them to please their partner and “win” back their love. Additionally, an aspect of abuse that many who haven’t experienced it don’t recognize is that it is cyclical. In order for the abuser to keep their partner in the relationship, they operate in a way that allows them to simultaneously hurt their partner and retain their commitment.

Though emotional abuse and physical abuse do not always go hand-in-hand, the cycle of domestic violence is a relevant model to regard when considering emotional withholding. This three-part model includes the “building” phase, acute episode, and honeymoon phase. In the building phase, tension rises and grows within the abuser, resulting in the acute battering episode occurring in the second phase. The episodic violence occurs once tension peaks before often giving way to phase three, the honeymoon phase. In this phase, the abuser expresses remorse, minimizing the abuse that occurred and showering the victim in love, warmth, and affection in an attempt to compensate for what happened. This is often the phase that keeps victims involved in a dangerous relationship, as the abuser can be very convincing that they are truly apologetic and will not harm the victim again. Unfortunately, for those outside the cycle of abuse, it is not hard to see that once tension starts to mount again, the process will repeat itself.

Each relationship has its own particular factors, of course, so there is no one set cycle that can be applied to all forms of abuse. Emotional withholding, in particular, differs in some regards because it involves a lack of communication, meaning the abusing party likely won’t even apologize for their behavior let alone acknowledge it during the “honeymoon” phase. Instead, the emotional withholder will likely cycle between periods of extreme love and affection and complete emotional shutdown, leaving their partner feeling whiplashed by the severe change in emotional regard. Unfortunately, while the lows of abuse are nothing short of devastating, the highs can swing just as extreme. Holding on to the good memories can be enough to keep many in a toxic relationship, though eventually it will erode itself given enough time.

Can Withholding Affection Escalate?

Though remaining in an abusive relationship is never advisable, especially since emotional abuse always runs the risk of escalating into something physical and possibly fatal, emotional withholding doesn’t necessarily have to spell the end of a relationship. Though realistically it isn’t likely that the abuser will recognize his or her toxic behavior, if the party is truly able to acknowledge the harm that they have caused and formulate a plan to prevent their behavior from repeating itself, then the relationship can potentially be salvaged. Tools such as cognitive behavioral therapy can help the abuser understand the way they act in order to help them formulate new responses to triggers and stressors. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotional withholding, since the abuse is difficult to pinpoint, it is unlikely the abuser will even recognize it is occurring. In this case, terminating the relationship is the only healthy choice.

The situational aspect that deserves the most attention is ensuring that the abused party feels safe and supported in their relationship and that they understand that they are not responsible for nor deserving of their partner’s toxic and cruel behavior. Emotional withholding is a very serious situation that can have longterm and lasting effects on a person. Emotional withholding can change who a person is, causing them to feel undervalued and lacking. Don’t allow yourself to be turned into a shell of who you once were due to the abuse of another. Recognize the way you are treated, and find a safe ground to stand up for yourself. Demand better treatment, or in most cases, learn how to walk away. If someone truly loves you, they will not use their love as a weapon of control.

Could this be abuse? Don’t suffer in silence. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or explore their online resources.