From holding hands to polyamory, I explore what constitutes cheating in a relationship and how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. For the sake of clarity, I focus on heterosexual relationships in scenarios, but the same advice applies to homosexual or bisexual relationships. 

Infidelity is something that plagues many relationships in different forms. Perhaps someone is concerned that their partner’s best friend of the opposite sex is a little too close to them or they wonder if holding hands and signs of affection with others pushes the boundaries of their relationship. Cheating is what two people have determined it to be. Therefore, there is no blanket answer to “is this cheating?” However, different situations can be explored to reach a better understanding of what constitutes violating a relationship, as well as how to establish healthy boundaries and deal with infidelity.

Cheating is something that is defined on a case by case basis within relationships. The concept of cheating depends on what both parties have determined their boundaries to be. However, a good rule of thumb is that something likely constitutes cheating if you wouldn’t want to share it with your partner and it hasn’t been agreed upon with your partner. Some partners feel more comfortable with being touchy with other people and might find it completely fine if their partner holds hands, cuddles, or kisses friends on the cheek. At the same time, other couples might consider these actions a violation of their relationship. Neither scenario is right or wrong; there are simply different things that people feel comfortable with within their relationships.

When it comes to determining the boundaries of your relationship, an open and honest discussion is needed. Communicate your needs with your partner as frankly as possible. If you know you won’t be able to be committed to only one person, then be open about this. If you are only comfortable with monogamy, then make this clear. The most important thing to do is communicate honestly. Unfortunately, two people who love each other might not be compatible in a relationship. But it will be easier to determine this up front rather than drag things out and end up with both parties hurt due to irreconcilable differences. Honestly is crucial, because both partners should get what they need out of the relationship. If one party agrees to things they are not comfortable with to please the other, then the relationship will not be successful. Trying new things can reveal surprising interests, but healthy relationships hinge on honesty and not lying to please a partner.

To maintain mutual respect and trust, you must adhere to the determined boundaries of your relationship. Therefore, only agree to things that you feel comfortable with and make sure that you are listening to your partner. Ensure that the needs of both parties (or multiple parties) are taken into consideration. One thing to be wary of is that your boundaries are not controlling or unhealthy. For example, it’s reasonable to not want your partner to spend time with their ex if they don’t have to, but you can’t ask your partner to boycott their friend group if they had a past relationship with someone in it. If you have discussed healthy boundaries and trust your partner, then you know they can handle themselves around an ex without violating your relationship. Other examples of unhealthy requests include asking your partner to only have friends of the same sex, limiting communication between your partner and people they work with due to jealousy, and asking your partner to unfollow people on social media. If you are secure with yourself and your relationship, then you won’t feel the need to micromanage your partner and patrol their interactions.

Unfortunately, boundaries become violated in some cases. Many consider cheating to be a relationship dealbreaker, at least in theory. However, it can be hard to let go of someone you love even if infidelity has occurred. Things become complicated once you have already badmouthed your significant other to those close to you. Once you have vented about someone you dated, it makes it difficult for friends not to be frustrated if you take the person back. For an extreme example, Cardi B recently deactivated her Twitter over furious backlash for taking her cheating partner back after a public split. What’s most important to remember is that it is your life, and you are the one in the relationship, not your loved ones. Though they likely only want the best for you, it’s ultimately your decision to determine if your relationship is worth salvaging. Consider your wants and needs, as well as your self-worth and self-respect. Whether or not your relationship can overcome infidelity is between you and your partner.

When it comes to other people’s relationships, it’s best to stay out of them, unless you suspect that abuse is occurring and one party is in danger. It’s only natural to provide advice and feedback to friends and family when they discuss their relationships, but be careful of passing judgment where it isn’t needed. People have different forms of intimacy and relationships that we might not choose for ourselves, but which we can respect nonetheless. The overall keys to maintaining a relationship, no matter what form, are honesty, clarity, and communication. Always be honest and open about your needs, wants, and hesitations. Remember that you have the option at any point in your relationship to change your mind and redefine the limits of what you are comfortable with. Never force yourself into an uncomfortable or unsatisfactory situation to please your partner. Regardless of your past actions and desires, you are allowed to seek different treatment in your current and future relationships.