Here I explore myths, truths, and misconceptions about polyamorous relationships.
Relationships are becoming recognized in a diversity of forms, as many people realize that monogamous heterosexual partnerships only make up a portion of all couples. Polyamorous unions, however, are one form of relationship that still is not commonly understood. Let’s explore some myths about polyamory to shed some understanding.
Polyamory 101
The terms polyamory and polygamy are commonly confused, though they aren’t interchangeable. Polygamy refers to the marriage of one person to more than one partner, while polyamory encompasses a broader range of relationships between more than two parties. The key distinguishing factor between these two terms is the concept of equality. Polygamous relationships often aren’t equal. A person, typically a man, is personally married to or partnered with two or more women who serve as his wives. However, these women aren’t married to each other, and they each are in relationships with the man but not usually with each other.
Polygamy is a form of relationship that is often unequal and is commonly associated with female oppression. It is, in fact, illegal in the United States and many other countries to be married to more than one person. However, polygamy is still in practice in the U.S., though only two people in the relationship can be legally married and therefore entitled to the legal benefits of marriage such as health insurance, taxation, etc.
In contrast, polyamorous relationships far more embody a “group love” concept of relationship that involves consent between all partners. All parties are treated with equal respect, love, value, and importance. Typically everyone in the relationship is equally valued. Relationships can be a mixture of males and females, as sexuality is a spectrum. Of course, the exact composition of the relationship depends on people’s sexual identities, which are as diverse as in any other form of relationship.
Establishing Poly Partnerships
Polyamory is not a form of sexuality. People can be gay/straight/bi/pan/etc. and be polyamorous. Therefore, one does not “come out” as polyamorous. If you are in a monogamous relationship and you “come out” to your partner as being polyamorous because you desire partnership from more than one person, then you are cheating. However, some polyamorous relationships can be classified as hierarchical, meaning there are “primary” and “secondary” parties involved. A primary partner might be a spouse with who one shares a legal marriage, finances, and parenting duties. In contrast, a secondary partner would fulfill an additional need that surpasses mere sexual gratification. However, this is just the relationship structure for some polyamorous relationships that are agreed upon by all parties involved.
One should view polyamorous relationships like any other form of relationship. Healthy relationships require establishing boundaries, honest and open communication, consent, trust, loyalty, and similar components. You can’t spring a mistress on a partner and call it “polyamory.” For polyamorous relationships to work, all parties must enter into the relationship openly and willingly. The question of whether or not all parties involved live together is established on a case by case basis depending on the unique needs of the people in the relationship.
Like any form of relationship, polyamory has both unique benefits and challenges. People who are very open and loving and have a lot of themselves to give might thrive in a polyamorous environment. Though monogamy is considered the status quo, it is not the best form of relationship for all people, as some wish to explore relationships with multiple people. Polyamory allows people to step outside of potential restraints of monogamy for both romantic and emotional needs. However, successful polyamory is dependent on communication, as it involves coordination between multiple parties. Everyone involved needs to communicate boundaries and make sure their needs are being met and no one is being left out or marginalized.
Forms of Polyamory
Different forms of polyamory exist, as this relationship can occur between different quantities of people and fulfill different needs. For example, throuples represent a form of polyamory between three people. All three people date as equals, though there is no limit to the number of people who can be involved in polyamorous dating. The term “polyamory” becomes more complicated when applied to other forms of sexual relationships that do not typically involve an emotional component.
Not every relationship that is not monogamous is necessarily polyamorous. Polyamory is about more than just sex, as it also embodies an emotional connection between more than two people. Therefore, open relationships and threesomes are not typically considered polyamorous. Even though these relationships involve more than two people, because the emotional bond tends to be between just one couple, they are therefore different from polyamorous relationships.
Another unique form of relationship that is sometimes labeled as polyamorous is cuckolding. The term cuckold comes from the cuckoo bird, which commonly lays eggs in the nests of other birds. Today, the term cuck and concept of cuckolding largely refers to a man who enjoys watching his partner be sexually satisfied by a third party. Since this concept only includes a third party to meet the sexual needs of the couple, it likely is not classified as polyamorous. In short, if more than two people are engaged in a sexual and emotional relationship, this is probably a form of polyamorous dating. However, sex between multiple parties does not necessarily indicate polyamory.
Parting Words
Hopefully, this knowledge about polyamorous relationships can help clear up misconceptions about polyamory. Unlike many polygamous relationships, polyamory embodies equality between all partners. Polyamory isn’t an excuse for cheating or a way to date two people at once without those people dating each other. Of course, people are free to express any type of love and form of relationship they desire between consenting adults. However, it’s important to understand that polyamorous relationships are about equal love and not about dominance, control, or selfish interests. Naturally, they aren’t the desired form of relationship for everyone, but knowledge about polyamory should hopefully help de-stigmatize this form of partnership.