Inspired by The Invisible Man, I explore the victim doubt that female survivors of domestic and sexual abuse often receive. In this lengthy examination, I share personal experiences related to domestic violence, as well as studies and history relating to the topic.
Innocent Until Drugged and Raped: Exploring Victim Doubt
The “Me, Too” movement has heralded an era of change, sweeping accusations across the board that make it clear no man is safe. With the former media juggernaut and serial rapist Harvey Weinstein receiving long-overdue rape convictions, it’s clear that income bracket and status are no longer enough to conceal crimes. However, the history of arriving at this moment of change has been fraught with disbelief, closed ears, and outright hostility for survivors, creating a culture in which rape is the most under-reported crime and domestic abuse remains grossly under-reported as well. Even in such seemingly progressive times, many don’t have the platform and support needed to vocalize their abuse, leaving them in dangerous and often fatal positions. However, speaking up sadly does not secure safety, as survivors of domestic and sexual abuse are disbelieved and even blamed in a shocking number of situations. While everyone deserves the right to a fair trial and keyboard warriors should leave convictions to actual judges, it’s time we explore why victims, or survivors as I prefer to term it, are alarmingly not believed by both society and the “justice” system.
Firsthand Experience
Five years ago I sought a restraining order against my ex-boyfriend as a slap in the face late one night while driving in the car was my final straw. It had taken me over one year of escalating, repeat, and continual violence to stand up for myself, but when I finally called the cops that night, I knew I was done being beaten. Several of my ex’s roommates had called the police on him throughout our relationship after hearing and witnessing him abuse me, I had photo evidence from numerous physical encounters, dozens of detailed stories, and a handful of firsthand witnesses. It seemed like an open and shut case. The thing is, you’re supposed to be on the victim’s side. Though I dislike using that term, that is what I was in the situation. I didn’t ask for mass support, but when the news broke around my college campus, you would figure my fellow liberal, socially woke college students would have my back. Well, you’d wrong for the most part.
While a close-knit circle of friends and professors pulled me through the most difficult period of my life, the general public was not on my side. No, this was not my ex’s first run-in with the law, nor did he have an unadulterated reputation. However, he was extremely rich, relatively popular, and a member of a campus fraternity, while I was an out-of-stater who never fully assimilated to southern living. The response was jarring. The school recommended that I always walk around with protection, whether in the form of a male friend or campus police due to the chance of retaliation. I was kicked out of a party for having reported the crime. (The honors performed by a fellow female to add extra salt to the wound.) I had people tell me a myriad of colorful statements ranging from I was lying (nope) to I was probably only hit once (if only) to I deserved it (try again) to I should have been a “good girlfriend” and continued to lie for him (how about no?). And these were just the things that happened to my face. I’m truly grateful to be spared the details of what was said behind my back.
Right now, I’m just examining the social side of a woman reporting a sexual or physical crime, since the legal failure is too infuriating to get into in detail. In short, I applied for a protective order with my court-appointed attorney. Backed by his extremely wealthy father, my ex arrived at court with a high-paid attorney and several fraternity brothers who were happy to do their brotherly duty, take the stand, and outright commit perjury to support his fraudulent defense. My ex and his posse tried to tarnish my image from all corners, as I was accused of sleeping with my witnesses, fabricating stories, and even self-inflicting the injuries that he had caused me. (Yes, because I left bite marks on parts of my body that my mouth can’t even reach.) The verdict of this legal sham? The judge told me for what it’s worth, he believed me and knew the other side was completely lying, but to receive a protective order in the state of Texas, you need to A) identify that harm has occurred, and B) make it clear that you are still at risk. The judge (a man) told me that he would gladly issue me a protective order after I was assaulted one more time, as he did not doubt that my ex would harm another woman, but it wasn’t an immediate threat. Essentially it was up to me to decide if that woman would be me or not.
Why do we doubt survivors of abuse, and why do we fail to help them? Contrary to popular belief, only between 2-8 percent of rapes are falsely reported. This percent is the same as other crimes, yet when women come forward about being sexually or physically assaulted, they are often shrouded in suspicion and shunned by society. In my opinion, this is because we don’t want to believe that our boyfriends, fathers, brothers, friends, family, and peers are rapists and abusers. We don’t want to admit the truth about the people we hold close to us, and we don’t want to grasp the depth of what they stole from the people around us and could potentially take from us. Nothing can prepare you for the utter helplessness and grievous loss of being raped or abused. But when people around you, especially women, fail to believe you, it is like you are forced to relive the experience on a never-ending and gutturally painful loop.
I want to know why.
The Disease of Doubt
A gender-biased study examined why many women who have been domestically and sexually assaulted choose not to call the police. While survivors of domestic and sexual assault contend with societal discrimination and disbelief, they sadly face equal obstacles when it comes to seeking criminal justice system protection. As many as 88-percent of survey respondents reported that police frequently blame or do not believe survivors of violence. Rather than be welcomed into law enforcement protection, a sizable amount of survivors are met with bias that leads to hostility and a failure to respond. With survivors facing legal discrimination, it is understandable why many don’t choose to pursue cases. The glaring failure of our legal system creates a dire situation for abuse survivors that leaves many women with no safe path to turn to, creating a pathway for them returning to their abusers. Unfortunately, this leaves them and other women in danger of the abuser acting again, as they see they can abuse without consequences.
When it comes to judicial discrimination, it’s no surprise that marginalized groups are more often the recipients of bias. Factors such as gender, immigration status, race, gender identity, and income bracket affect how the legal system views victims. And it would be naive to assume that the same biases don’t filter into how society views victims, though this is only part of the equation. Why do women receive mixed results for stepping forward? When mass allegations against Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein, for example, started coming forward, many people questioned what took the women so long to speak up. But what as many people didn’t question is how hard it is to speak up against someone more powerful than you, especially when that person already stole your power (at least temporarily).
In an article, Vox questioned why victims of sexual assault are so seldom believed when rape is such a common occurrence. Despite 1 in 5 women being raped in their lifetime, we’re sickeningly quick to doubt survivors’ stories. People immediately cling to any explanation other than rape to justify what happened. This is why women are blamed for being too provocative, for wearing the wrong clothes, for giving the wrong looks, for asking for it. Such responses confirm my beliefs that people don’t want to admit there are rapists in their lives. Instead, they tell themselves that the victims are lying. Rape is an ugly word. The term “sexual assault” softens the blow, but you know what else is ugly? Being raped. Many rapists don’t want to admit what they are, whether publicly or even privately. They will cling to whatever they can, whether it be social status, admirers, friends, family, or a stalwart defense system to garner sympathy and attempt to rewrite the truth. Unfortunately for survivors, you can’t rewrite being raped and you can’t take back being abused, nor can you simply erase the devastation such atrocities have on your life. And yet we have people actively protecting those who hurt others.
The Sordid Seeds of Rape Culture
Rape denial is not a novel concept. It has been festering in society for a very long time, with victim-blaming carrying a long and troubling history that extends back centuries. Hundreds of years ago, both the rape perpetrator and the rape victim were subjected to death. Historically rape has largely been viewed as a property crime, with the offense occurring against the woman’s father or husband. Essentially, raping someone’s virgin daughter was an affront to the father, since he owned her body and it was his to sell. It isn’t until modern times that rape has rightfully been recognized as a crime against the woman, as people were finally able to recognize that rape robs a woman of the power over her own body. Think our society has been advanced for a long time? Try again. It wasn’t until 1993 that marital rape became a crime in all 50 states, though still marital and non-marital rape were distinguished as being different “degrees” of rape. (Well, I can confirm that there aren’t “degrees” of being raped.)
It wasn’t until the last few decades that marital rape even became recognized as a crime, since before that a wife was once again viewed as the property of her husband. And while the current progressive times rules it unacceptable to view women as less than men, thousands of years of history aren’t truly going to be erased by politically correct movements, despite the good intention. Though many people champion equality, it’s undeniable that many also harbor hidden convictions, biases, and assumptions that women are inferior to men and are thus less deserving of rights. Why would people want to face that their idols, partners, and friends are rapists when they can instead lambast the crazy, destructive women who are clearly trying to ruin their lives? You know, the women who dress in scantily clad clothes and openly flirt, the ones who are asking for it and can’t admit that they are to blame for their unhappiness. After all, it is always a woman who is labeled as mischievous, conniving, bitchy, and, of course, hysterical.
If you truly can’t see that the legal system and belief systems aren’t on women’s side, just consider that politicians are trying to take away women’s rights to control what happens to their bodies. It’s high time we start believing women, and not just to save face in society. The reality is that many women who have been subjected to assault have already been exposed to a toxic amount of doubt and disbelief. Women in abusive relationships are often subject to gaslighting, in which their partner exerts control over them by manipulating the way they think until it becomes impossible to even trust yourself. You can not imagine the amount of courage, bravery, and sheer guts it takes for women in these situations to step forward and vocalize their ordeals after such mental manipulation has been executed. When their partners, society, and the legal system turn on them, many women can then turn on themselves, giving up hope entirely that they will ever receive justice.
Closing Thoughts
The sad and sick reality of this world is that some people will judge you for having been assaulted and abused, and some people will judge you for having been raped. Some people will also judge you for what handbag you carry, how much you weigh, and what car you drive. The opinions of others are something we can’t control, but we can decide to not allow them to have power over our lives. We also can fight for change. Please do not let the failure of the legal system and society stop you from doing what you need to protect yourself. I may have received a largely heartbreaking social response and devastating criminal justice support, but my school did conduct a trial and expel my abuser due to overwhelming and substantial evidence that he had harmed me. I was able to get through the darkest times in my life, score a 4.0 GPA, and graduate on time with full honors and an honors thesis on trauma recovery. I refused to let other people’s doubt and judgment destroy me. It is possible to overcome your trauma, even though you will have to work through it every day.
The truth is, you don’t know what kind of response you will receive until you ask for it, as hard as that might be. By joining with fellow survivors and advocates, it is possible to overcome the victim-blaming mentality of society and the legal system and find a safe and supportive group of allies and friends. And here is a note to society at large: While everyone is entitled to a fair trial, do not allow your bias to interfere with how you perceive a survivor’s story. Failure to believe victims of abuse and rape results in a repeated cycle of traumatization that deeply hinders healing and recovery. Do not allow yourself to be part of the problem by defending and concealing rapists and abusers. One thing that should be praised is how beautiful it is to finally be believed by someone. Sometimes the most profound impact you can have on a survivor’s life is through a simple action: let them know you believe them. So to the people who raped me, the people who beat me, the people who abused me, and the people who stood by them, lied for them, committed perjury for them, and those who paid for fancy lawyers to conceal their criminal nature: you can’t take away from me the life I have built and the people who stood by my side.
Please note, I am always here to help people who have undergone physical, emotional, or sexual traumas. I will proudly brandish my scarlet letter and stand up for people in need. Additionally, abuse is certainly not confined to just women, but I chose to write this article from a viewpoint that reflects my experience.