In this article, I explore why people are overly critical, how to recognize when criticism is too much, and how to deal with being on the receiving end of excess criticism.
People can often use healthy criticism as a constructive tool for self-improvement. Despite most people being resistant to hearing what is wrong with themselves or some aspect of their being, constructive criticism is needed to challenge oneself and evolve. However, there are situations where too much criticism is damaging. Instead of offering guidance for improving oneself, excess criticism can be counterproductive to growth and have adverse mental health effects. Rather than blame yourself for someone’s constant criticism, first understand that excess criticism is a result of the critical person and not the person being criticized.
Excess criticism speaks to the mindset of the criticizer. In the words of Oscar Wilde, “Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.” Overly critical people set impossible expectations for those around them, which can make it exhausting to be close to them. People who are full of criticism are never satisfied or impressed, leading to them always being disappointed in others. Their impossible expectations set those around them up for failure, resulting in the dissatisfaction of all parties involved. Some cases of excess criticism stem from perfectionism. When you set your expectations to perfect, everything will inevitably disappoint you. This results in a constant barrage of criticism over the anger and frustration surrounding the imperfection of life. Nothing is perfect, and failing to accept this reality can cause turmoil for perfectionists.
It is important to remember that not all criticism is negative. Even if it is hard to accept at first, criticism can be constructive. Healthy criticism should not feel like an attack when you truly examine what the person is saying. Though cases of tough love are difficult to swallow, beneficial criticism comes from a well-intended place and has the purpose of offering improvement by pointing something out. People give constructive criticism to provide genuine guidance. Constructive criticism can help people understand hard truths and prevent them from being blinded by their actions. However, negative criticism does not focus on improvement, nor does it come from a well-intended place. Damaging criticism instead revolves around picking people apart. This form of criticism is not about helping someone improve, but instead is due to the personality of the criticizer.
People need to know how to respond to excess criticism to lessen their chances of being hurt by it. Is it better to fight back or agree with the criticizer? The path of least resistance is often agreement. Because constant criticism is a characteristic of the criticizer and not the person being criticized, trying to defend oneself against criticism is a waste of time and energy. Even if you manage to prove your point, the other person will move on to something else about you to criticize. Therefore, the least problematic response is to calmly and concisely agree with the criticism. This reaction will likely catch the criticizer off-guard and lead to the conversation moving on. Furthermore, it becomes increasingly challenging to take your criticisms out on someone who is accepting of them.
It is essential to remember that someone else’s excessive criticism has nothing to do with you. It is highly likely that if you removed yourself from the person’s life, someone else would become the object of their criticism. The reality is that no matter how “perfect” you try to be, a critical person will always be able to find fault in you. But this is because that is how they see the world, and not because of how you are. Of course, there are times when criticism is warranted and needed. But, excessive and constant criticism reveals the insecurities of the other person and their own inherent need to control and dictate everything. Critical people are often unyielding, meaning they will reject everything that does not fit their extremely particular mindset. Therefore, you should not take it personally if you become the object of their criticism. Instead, try to defuse the situation by not engaging, and work on limiting your contact with that person.
Overall, constant, repetitive criticism can have increasingly negative effects on both the criticized individual and the relationship between the criticizer and the criticized person. Being held to impossible standards can lead to feelings of unworthiness, self-blame, and unhappiness. No one has to deal with overly critical people. Though there are skills you can adapt to better cope with criticism, you can also choose to limit your contact with this type of person. At the same time, it is possible to maintain relationships with critical people and even have empathy for them. Though constant criticism can be grating, putting yourself in the criticizer’s position can help you understand their insecurity, anger, and frustration. Though these emotions do not give the criticizer a pass at lashing out at others, understanding where critical people are coming from can remove personal blame and allow you to feel compassion for people who are always aware of flaws.