In this article, I explore the concept of trauma bonding and how it can masquerade itself as love. I also touch upon the related topic of intermittent reinforcement.

It’s counterproductive to ask someone why they stay in an abusive relationship. Even if it may be abundantly clear that the relationship is toxic, asking a victim of abuse why they stay will not provide a clear answer. Complicated and deep-seated compactions of trauma and manipulation are often at the core of why people remain in abusive situations. Because these feelings can be highly deceptive, abuse can at times feel like love. However, trauma bonding is an imposter designed to hold abuse victims hostage.

People often remain in unhealthy relationships due to trauma bonding. Trauma bonding causes someone to be loyal to a destructive person, often believing in the strength of their perceived connection to them. This mental process causes a person to become desensitized to disturbing actions of the person to whom they are loyal. The victim continues to make excuses for the person and attempts to change them despite little to no effort from the other person. Trauma bonding leads to a feeling of being stuck, codependent, and unable to detach from another person despite repetitive fights and a lack of trust. Though the relationship is fraught with broken promises, arguments, and a suffocating atmosphere, being without the person feels like agony. Faced with this seemingly unbearable loss, people remain in these unhealthy relationships despite the glaring red flags.

Trauma bonding happens over time, worming its way into vulnerable situations. The recipe for trauma bonding includes intense emotions, complex feelings, inconsistent actions, and above all, the promise of something better. The victims of trauma bonding are manipulated or deluded into holding on to false hope that can guide them through even the darkest and most destructive stages of the relationship. Because victims become emerged in their trauma-bonded relationship, they are often unable to see the clear abuse that is right in front of them. Situations involving addiction, alcoholism, domestic violence, and generally dysfunctional relationships are more likely to develop trauma bonding. However, it can also occur in situations such as being kidnapped, held hostage, childhood abuse, and religious organizations.

Another factor that often coincides with trauma bonding is intermittent reinforcement, a psychological tool that also helps to explain why people have difficulty leaving abusive relationships. If a dog were to get a treat each time it heard a bell, that would be continual reinforcement. However, if it were to get a treat only sporadically after hearing the bell, the dog would still eagerly anticipate hearing the bell. The dog would even grow acclimated to the periods void of treats, persisting in the hope that the treats would eventually arrive. The same mentality fuels trauma bonding and holds victims hostage to their relationship. Despite only occasionally receiving positive affirmative and likely never having promises fulfilled, the victim will withstand continual abuse due to the belief that something good is on its way.

Intermittent reinforcement creates intense, unstable, unhealthy, painful, and ultimately addicting relationships. Though the cycle of abuse is crushing at its lowest, it is thrilling and intoxicating during the brief highs. Even though the abuse constitutes the majority of the relationship, it is the moments in between that allow the victim to persist and hold out hope rather than abandon ship. The manipulation of intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding can create a perilous and even fatal position for an abuse victim, as it makes them unwilling to part from the abuser. Rather than be able to separate themselves from their relationship, victims become owned by the relationship and trapped within it. They can withstand immense abuse and neglect, surviving entirely off the brief rewards at the extent of their own mental and physical health.

Although the manipulation of an abusive relationship might be clear to people on the outside, it’s important to empathize with the victim and understand that they likely can’t see this. Leaving abusive situations can be not only difficult but dangerous. Rather than take out frustrations on the victim, it’s critical to help them get to a safe location where they can come to terms with and heal from their abuse. If you find yourself stuck in an unhealthy situation, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself if the glue holding you in place is indeed shared trauma. You are not a dog waiting for a bell, and real love does not leave you starved in the time in between affection.