In this article, I discuss empathy and how you can offer real support to people who are struggling.
Many people don’t know how to navigate dealing with the hurt emotions of others. What is the appropriate response to someone telling you that their parent died? What do you say if someone opens up about being abused? How do you offer condolences to someone who is depressed? A misconception about empathy is that it involves being in pain. I recently had a conversation with someone when I asked them if they ever tried to put themselves in someone else’s position and imagine how that person felt during difficult times. The person told me that they never did that because they don’t want to be in pain. Having empathy for someone doesn’t mean that you are also in pain. It means that you can recognize their pain in a way that makes them feel seen, supported, and validated. But to do this, you do need to tap into your own emotions.
Sympathy is something that seems nice to offer, but it seldom gives any real support. Since sympathy revolves around feeling bad about someone else’s misfortune, that person can often feel pitied. In contrast, empathy enables a person to put themselves in the other person’s position to feel what they are feeling. It doesn’t mean that the person who has empathy is permanently in pain or is required to suffer along with the other person. Life doesn’t work in a way that allows us to feel pain for other people or take it away from them. While it’s true that misery does love company, many people who are in pain do not wish to take their friends and family down with them. When we have empathy for someone, we are not mutually residing in their pit of despair. We are rather visiting that person at their lowest point to offer validation and compassion. To do this, we have to tap into our own emotions and experiences to find a connection to the other person.
Though we want to take away the pain from our loved ones, this is not possible. Therefore, the following sayings do little to help someone who is struggling. Cheer up, things could be worst! At least X didn’t happen. Find a silver lining. At least you still have X! You think that’s bad— last year X happened to me. Though we might be desperate for our loved ones to snap out of their funk, these statements invalidate what the person is feeling. At the same time, talking about ourselves in these situations is also not helpful. What you need to do is acknowledge the other person’s pain, respect their right to feel things the way they need to feel, and let the person know he or she is not alone. Consider saying something such as, “I know what you are going through is very painful. I am here for you if you want to talk or if you want to sit in silence and not be alone. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.” Thank the person for confiding in you and offer your support to them in uncomplicated terms that are free of judgment.
The simple gesture of listening to someone open up about their feelings can have profound healing implications. Be sure not to pressure the other person to open up and to listen to what they say. Many people worry about offering the “right” response, but there is truthfully not a response that can bring someone’s loved one back or cure their cancer. In almost all cases, it is more than enough to let the person know you hear them and are there with them. Pain can be a terrifying and isolating emotion. Knowing that you are not alone, that your feelings are validated, and that you have a safe space to vent your pain makes an enormous difference in the healing process. If you feel as though you cannot help the other person or it takes too much of a personal toll to listen to their pain, you can guide the person towards professional resources to help them recover. You can also offer friendship and support that is within defined healthy boundaries.
When it comes to helping someone with their pain, you need to remember that it’s not about you. It might feel natural to tell your own story of hardship, but what offers comfort to someone is being able to express and feel what they are feeling. So often in life people are told how to feel. Society dictates “appropriate” responses and people reinforce them through their words and actions. Allowing someone to feel exactly what they are feeling in a safe and supportive environment free of judgment is a beautiful thing to offer. Yes, everyone experiences suffering, but that doesn’t take away the personal impact of the pain someone is feeling. Just remember that the same advice applies to yourself. You have the right to feel and express your pain. In fact, that is the only way to truly overcome it.
Related: An excellent (and quick) video on empathy.