Here I discuss invalidation in relationships, including types of invalidation and advice for dealing with invalidation.
Invalidation is something experienced in a variety of situations. Friends, colleagues, family, and even strangers can cause us to feel invalidated. In many cases, we can also invalidate ourselves. However, it is the invalidation of a partner that can cut particularly deep. Partners are someone we choose for ourselves, who we have identified as being someone with whom we want to share our lives. That’s why it is extra painful when this person doesn’t make us feel valued. Being invalidated serves to discredit thoughts, wants, needs, and beliefs, sometimes in an attempt to control the other person through manipulation. However, invalidation is also something that can occur without malicious intent, as many times people invalidate others without meaning to or even realizing it’s occurring.
The reality is that invalidating our partners is something we all do. Invalidating someone makes them feel like they are not understood or that they are understood but that they aren’t valued. Inattentive invalidators disregard when their partner is speaking and can miss important things. Belligerent invalidators speak rather than listen and care more about being right than hearing the other point of view. Controlling invalidators make efforts to correct their partner because they are confident in their way of life. Judgmental invalidators minimize the significance of things that they don’t feel are important. Emotional invalidators disagree with the way other people feel and argue that their feelings aren’t valid. Lastly, “fixit” invalidators try to avoid sorting through feelings and instead try to arrive straight at solutions. Overall, these different types of invalidation occur on varying levels in relationships.
While it might be obvious that your partner engages in invalidating behaviors, if you look closely, you probably do as well. To stop invalidating your loved ones, or to bring up a conversation for how you can stop feeling invalidated, it’s critical to understand what type of invalidation is occurring and why validation is needed. Validation is a necessary component of healthy relationships. It allows partners to feel heard, understood, cared for, and accepted. In turn, mutual validation allows both partners to have emotional safety. Overall, validation contributes to a relationship where both partners feel loved and valued. When we invalidate our partners, we rob them of this sense of comfort and acceptance, unintentionally hurting the people we love the most.
Invalidation can also be a sign of abuse. Repeat invalidation is a sign that the relationship is unhealthy. People who have dealt with trauma before or who are highly sensitive will feel particularly prone to negative internal feelings when being invalidated. A clear indication that abuse is occurring is if your partner attempts to control your thoughts or change the narrative by causing you to doubt yourself. Such behavior is a classic sign of gaslighting, which causes one to doubt their reality in favor of a reality someone else has constructed. Unfortunately, people with low levels of emotional intelligence can frequently invalidate their partners without meaning to, creating an unsupportive environment. Human instinct tells us to fight back when we feel invalidated, but this will most likely lead to arguments that don’t reach conclusions. Instead, establish clear boundaries in your relationship. Ascertain how you want and need to be treated and leave the relationship if your partner can’t meet your needs.
To learn to operate in a way that makes our loved ones feel appreciated, we can also practice validating behaviors. Put effort into making your partner feel heard, valued, and accepted. Are you making an effort to make them feel cared for? Make your partner a priority, even if just for a few moments, by doing something like putting your phone down and truly listening to what they have to say. When it comes to asserting your needs, communication is key. Explain your point of view and your feelings as clearly as possible without placing blame on your partner. Fortunately, by sharing your point of view and establishing clear boundaries, there is a good chance that validating behaviors can replace invalidating ones. At the same time, it is necessary to practice self-validation by repeating words of affirmation and allowing one’s worth to be constructed internally. Self-validation is an essential component to being happy and emotionally fulfilled.
The validation of your partner is critical to having and maintaining a healthy relationship. If you are not respected in your relationship, then you need to find a relationship that meets your emotional needs. If you are being abused, then you are not at fault, because you are quite literally being manipulated. But if you’re experiencing routine invalidation, become aware of what is occurring and open up a healthy dialogue. Above all, remember that your feelings are valid. Your truth is your truth and no amount of manipulation can rob you of your reality or value.
No one can make us feel inferior without our consent. – Eleanor Roosevelt