In this article, I explore a form of emotional manipulation known as negging, including the different ways that people neg and why it is a form of abuse.
Sometimes it’s evident when we’re being insulted. If someone questions your intelligence or criticizes your weight, you don’t often stop to wonder if they were trying to be hurtful. However, there are more sneaky and nefarious forms of insult that serve to undermine an individual while hiding behind a seemingly benign facade. Negging is a form of emotional manipulation that gradually erodes one’s self-esteem. Learn what negging is so that you can avoid this often subtle form of manipulation.
The term “negging” is derived from the verb “neg,” which refers to receiving negative feedback. The act of negging does more than merely critique an individual. Negging is a form of emotional manipulation that uses a deliberate backhanded compliment to undermine the other person’s confidence. Often negging can be concealed under the guise of flirting or flattery. The goal of negging is to erode the other person’s confidence so that they are more reliant on the manipulator’s approval. Because this form of emotional manipulation is so subtle, people often don’t categorize what they are experiencing as manipulation. Additionally, because many manipulators are so well-versed in controlling others, one might be more inclined to take the underlying insult to heart and seek the manipulator’s attention.
Understand that negging isn’t something done accidentally; it is an intentional act of manipulation. Just because it can occur fairly often, especially with online dating, doesn’t mean that it is any less toxic. Negging can damage one’s self-esteem and sense of self over time, which can have adverse effects on the way a person lives. It can also escalate into even more severe emotional abuse and may even lead to physical violence. Therefore, negging should not be written off as a mere minor inconvenience. The act is indicative of bigger problems, which can seriously impact one’s health, happiness, and safety.
There are different examples of negging that a person can become aware of. The classic backhanded compliment makes someone feel good while at the same time knocking the person down. This method is designed to keep the other person guessing and unsure. Examples of backhanded compliments include being told something such as, “you are honestly really good looking for someone your size” or “I don’t mind at all that you look so old for your age.” Another example of negging is being compared to someone else in a way that emphasizes your shortcomings. For example, “You look so pretty. Maybe someday you can be as good-looking as your older sister.”
Additionally, negging can be masked as a form of constructive criticism. While genuine constructive criticism is healthy and needed in relationships, the key difference between constructive criticism and a plain insult is the former is designed to help while the latter is designed to hurt. Negging can also be experienced as someone constantly trying to one-up you. This could include someone announcing their big news right after you deliver yours to steal the spotlight. Or perhaps you know someone who always has to try to outshine your accomplishments. Negging can also involve insults concealed within questions, such as “who helped you do your makeup? It actually looks so good today.”
People who are called out for negging often try to downplay the situation or defer the blame. They likely will attempt to pass off their rude remarks as a joke or claim that the other person misinterpreted them or was being sensitive. By denying accusations and downplaying what they did, they often make the other person regret calling them out in the first place. Furthermore, people who neg are prone to victimizing themselves so that they don’t have to face blame. They find it easier to attack the other person for being offended than recognize that what they said was offensive. Therefore, it’s pointless to engage in an argument with someone who is negging you. You also shouldn’t try to fight back with similar verbal abuse.
What should you do if someone is negging you? Make it clear that the other person is acting inappropriately and refuse to allow the relationship to continue as is. Be sure not to downplay the other person’s behavior by minimizing or excusing it. You can accept an honest apology and evaluate if the relationship is worth continuing. However, you shouldn’t let the other person off the hook for their bad behavior. There is a good chance you are being emotionally abused if you constantly feel poorly about yourself, disrespected, or humiliated. If the other person is the one running your relationship and dictating how you feel, then perhaps it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate the situation.
If you find yourself experiencing negging, understand that you are not being sensitive or dramatic. The other person is intentionally trying to undermine your confidence so that you are more dependent and in need of them. Even though it may appear like the person is offering some form of kindness, this is a textbook case of emotional abuse. People who neg are attempting to manipulate you. Is that the behavior you seek in a partner or friend? Because the other person is a manipulator, they will likely try to deny what they are doing and may try to gaslight you into believing it is all in your head. Don’t allow someone to tell you how to feel. Understand what you are experiencing and don’t give a manipulator your peace of mind or sense of self.