This post discusses abusers and whether they are aware of their actions. It also offers candid advice to abuse victims.
Abuse is a tricky situation. Those who look in on it assume that the people involved understanding what is going on. However, many times abuse victims are unaware that they are being mistreated. Maybe the truth is an itch they are afraid to scratch because they are unprepared to confront the reality of what it means. At the same time, abusers are often world-class manipulators who can warp any situation to make the victim feel at fault. But do abusive people know what they are doing? In many cases, they might not.
Let’s examine the typical profile of an abuser to understand why the average abuser isn’t likely to recognize his or her harmful behavior. Abuse is almost always rooted in control. Abusers try to control their victims, sometimes to compensate for their fragile egos but other times because of their narcissism. Abusers typically have two things in common: they lack self-awareness, and they are devoid of empathy. Though this isn’t always the case, abusers often coldly regard their victims as they cannot connect to, understand, or take responsibility for their turmoil despite directly causing it. Abusers often have very low self-esteem and will do anything in their power to deflect blame, minimize their actions, and shift responsibility for their behavior. Abusive people are often in extreme denial about who they are, which makes them unable to comprehend how they behave. They will do whatever they can to shift the blame for their actions and words and will refuse to take responsibility for their behavior.
So does that take abusers off the hook? Not so fast. It just means that you can’t communicate with an abusive person the same way you would talk to an average person. It’s only natural to be defensive when someone is calling you out or behaving aggressively towards you. However, this is likely to only fuel the fire in the abuser. Likewise, it’s a normal response to want someone to express remorse for their actions when they hurt you. Unfortunately, abusers are not likely to own up to their behavior and seek forgiveness. Even if they do, it could be part of a pattern of abuse. Many abusers have “honeymoon” stages in the cycle of abuse to keep the victim locked into the relationship in hope that things will remain positive. The bleak reality is that abuse is always right around the corner. Furthermore, verbal abuse often precedes an escalation into physical violence. Therefore, remaining in an abusive situation is always dangerous.
What can victims of abuse do? The obvious advice is to walk away. Though the right choice, leaving an abusive relationship is a difficult and even dangerous decision. Unfortunately, we can’t always directly walk away from abusive situations either. Sometimes bosses, coworkers, and family members are verbally abusive, and we have to put up with them. It’s critical to understand that remaining in a verbally abusive relationship could escalate to physical violence. However, the following advice can help people cope with abusive people in their life. To best protect yourself, don’t react to the abusers. Remain calm and don’t give them the agitated response they are seeking.
When faced with abusive criticism, you can calmly repeat what is was said back to the person. Don’t feed into the negativity they are trying to create. Remaining calm is essential for not playing into the abuser’s game. The good news is that only you have control over your emotions no matter how much the abuser desires to control you. Feel free to bring up both perspectives before calmly walking away from the discussion without elevating it to an argument. The heart of abuse is control, but you don’t have to hand it over to the other person no matter how convincing they are. It may be exceedingly hard to do, but don’t seek remorse from abusers. The bleak reality is that they are not likely to feel bad for how they treat you. It’s not your responsibility to force them to see reality. Your only job is to protect yourself.
It is essential to remember that only abusers are responsible for their actions. It does not matter if the victim “provokes” them or “riles them up.” Abusers are the people who choose to lash out physically, verbally, emotionally, or sexually. But they are often very good at shifting the blame onto the victim so they do not have to claim responsibility for their nefarious actions. Sickeningly, other people can also be manipulated by the abusers to blame the victims for their actions. The truth is, many people are cowardly. They don’t want to believe their friends and family and loved ones are abusers. So it’s often easier to blame the victim. But that doesn’t justify anything and it does not make those people correct.
Can abusers get better? When truly confronted with their actions in a way that they can’t escape, deflect, or minimize their harm, abusers might finally express remorse, empathy, and even responsibility. However, there is no guaranteeing they will take responsibility for their actions, and there is no way to measure what will make them realize the truth of who they are. Therefore, it is dangerous to believe that you can make the abuser change or recognize their behavior. Genuinely remorseful abusers will seek help. Abusers can be rehabilitated if they honestly understand their behavior and want to learn the tools necessary to change. Abuse victims are under no obligation to stand by their abuser when they figure themselves out. Abusers who genuinely want to change will do so regardless of their victim’s response or support.
Only people who have been in abusive situations can understand how difficult it is to cut someone abusive out of their lives. It is also dangerous, as walking away from an abusive situation is often the most deadly part of the relationship. However, that doesn’t mean you have to remain in abusive relationships. You deserve to live your life without violence, constant criticism, sexual abuse, and emotional turmoil. The first step is understanding the situation to realize that you are not responsible for the actions and responses of your abuser, and it is not your job to make your abuser realize the harm of their actions. Abusive situations will almost always continue to escalate. You cannot change your abuser, nor can you cause them to understand their behavior. The safest situation is always to devise a plan to leave your abuser.
HELP RESOURCES:
Emotional and Verbal Abuse (Office on Women’s Health)
Resources for Domestic Violence Help (Verbal Abuse Official Site)