This post explores why some people abandon others during times of hardship, as well as how people can genuinely help those who are grieving. 

Dealing with a loss or traumatic event is incredibly difficult within itself. Grief forces people to reevaluate their lives and find a new way to live with a gaping wound. However, one aspect of grief that isn’t commonly talked about is how many people abandon someone who is grieving. There are friends and family who will offer stiff condolences and wait on the sidelines in hope that the person “bounces back” to “normal.” But some people will entirely abandon someone who is grieving in an act that feels shocking and vicious. How can people be so heartless that they would leave someone when they are at their lowest point? Sadly, this happens more often than one might think- though there are people who will stick by a griever’s side.

Grief makes people uncomfortable. There’s no way around it. Grieving is not a happy process, but it is often a necessary one. People grieve because they have a deep capacity for love and mourn the loss of someone or something cherished. It’s not only important for people to acknowledge their emotions, but it is necessary to recognize and grieve losses in order to move on. People cannot recover from significant losses or trauma until they have acknowledged what they lost and adequately mourn it. Recovery doesn’t mean forgetting. It is impossible to resume one’s old life after a significant loss. Overcome grief means learning to live with the loss and establish a new normal. Unfortunately, not all so-called friends can shoulder the burden of helping someone through this process.

Many people wish to avoid grieving at all costs. They try to distract grievers and attempt to limit the impact of grief on youth. However, it is important to grieve and to allow people to feel and acknowledge the full extent of their emotions. Bottling up pain and pushing it aside -or encouraging others to do so – will only result in problems down the line. When it comes to one’s own grief, there are two options. You can either acknowledge the pain and find a way to work through it or you can attempt to suffocate the loss to disastrous results. However, people find avoiding the grief of others to be a less problematic option.

Many people do not have the emotional strength to help others through the grieving process. When they see grief and trauma, they become uncomfortable because grief and trauma are by definition uncomfortable. Some people choose to abandon someone in pain so that they don’t have to acknowledge the uncomfortable emotions that accompany helping someone through a difficult time. That is why most people bring food after losses and offer platitudes of condolence. They don’t know how to acknowledge someone else’s pain, so they try to move past it rather than risk feeling what the other person feels.

True friends and loved ones will stand by and support people who are grieving. Remember, grieving is nonlinear. There is no checklist that people can mark to demonstrate that they are progressing. It is a constant tug and pull, one step forward and three steps back, both good days and bad. You can’t shelter people from grief, but you can listen to what they have to say. Supporting a grieving person involves letting them know that you are with them in their lowest moments and listening to what they need. There are no right words to say. It is important to simply listen, acknowledge, and not judge the person in pain.

If someone abandoned you during your time of grieving, you should consider yourself lucky to have such a person out of your life. Not everyone is equipped to handle other people’s pain. All losses you grieve are valid. People are not black and white. You can miss someone who was flawed, even someone who hurt you. Don’t allow other people’s opinions of your grief to dictate the mourning process. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and remember the people who stuck by you when you were most in need. True friends will not abandon you at your low points. While you will likely never get over your grief, you can get used to it and discover a new way to live your life with the people who deserve to be in it.