Trigger warning: this open essay frankly discusses sexual assault. It’s time to expose rape apologists and the culture and conversation that fosters such abhorrent behavior. Note: I know there are many wonderful and supportive people in this world, some of whom I have met. These are for those who aren’t like them.
AL: It’s every guy’s worst nightmare, getting accused like that.
CASSANDRA: Can you guess what every girl’s worst nightmare is?
To put it bluntly, being raped robs you of your life. Someone else takes away a part of yourself that you can never recover. Though you can rebuild what was stolen, the scar tissue never reforms in quite the same way. Someone kills a part of you, but you are expected to go on living. And yet, there are people out there who excuse that behavior. They side with your rapist. They engage in the most complex mental gymnastics of a lifetime to justify what happened to you. And that ultimately leaves you broken, alone, and wondering if you are crazy. We’ll you’re not. The people who commit rape and those who excuse it are the ones who need a wake-up call.
Many people who are raped see their world crumble around them. There are resources, there is support, there are wonderful individuals who are full of compassion and empathy. But there are also a lot of weak and selfish people who don’t want to try to understand someone else’s trauma for the simple reason that it makes them uncomfortable. I cannot stress how many people I have encountered who don’t even want to hear the word rape because it is ugly. Acknowledging that people one is close to and might even love are capable of raping someone is unthinkable for most people. They don’t want to see the perspective of the person who was raped because they don’t want to believe that their friends could commit such crimes.
But guess what? Lots of “nice” men (and women) are rapists. It is absurd the things people will say to try to cleanse themselves of guilt and glaze over their actions or those of ones close to them. A lot of “nice” men feel they are owed sex, so they will take it regardless of consent. And there are plenty of people who will look the other way. Boys will be boys. It was a crime of passion! Do you see what she wore? She slept with him before. She wanted it! I don’t believe her. She drank the alcohol herself. He’s a good guy. We were so young! Things got carried away. Do you really want to ruin his future over one night?
It’s amazing the lengths people will go to keep someone from reporting a crime. Listen, I don’t think people are black and white. I think seemingly nice and normal people can do terrible things. These people can even be funny and charismatic and good friends. A lot of the time they are. The monsters often don’t look like people we can pick out of a lineup. They are the people all around us. They are the faces we thought we could trust. But that doesn’t lessen the impact of what they did. People can be forgiven, but they need to first face the consequences of their actions. The thing is, it’s often the person who was raped who has to deal with the fallout while the rapist continues with his or her life completely unaffected.
Do you know what it’s like to exist as a woman? To constantly look over your shoulder and tense up when someone passes you? Do you know that sigh of relief when you get home safely and bolt the doors? Or what about if you are a man. What if people won’t even allow you to call your assault what it is because they don’t think a man can be raped? What if everything you are dealing with has been completely invalidated because other people don’t want to face reality? Do you understand what it’s like to have your whole world cave in around you and everyone who you thought mattered looks away because they don’t want to face the truth?
Do I sound angry? Well, that’s because I am. I remember what happened to me and I remember all of the people who abandoned me and looked the other way and made excuses. And I would never for the life of me do that to any other person. I stood by everyone who I saw in danger and I made sure they got home safely. I made sure they were heard. I’m no saint, I’m no hero. This is how we all should be. Protecting people against rape should be the standard. Validating people’s experiences should be the standard. I remember every person who thought rape was too ugly to deal with. Well, guess what? When you’ve been raped, you don’t have the luxury of deciding if it is something you want to deal with. You just have to.
Resources:
For Survivors (Joyful Heart Foundation)
Sexual Assault Resources (List)
National Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones (RAINN)