Is someone being critical, honest, or abusive? Learn the difference and discover when all three things are occurring at once.
How do you respond to criticism? Most people are taught that being able to accept criticism is a sign of strength. However, not all forms of criticism feel right, and not all are intended to help a person grow. Furthermore, we can find ourselves confused by criticism masqueraded as honesty. Are we being sensitive to a truth someone is trying to tell us about ourselves? Here’s the thing: criticism can often be honest, but that doesn’t make it factual or productive. Discover the difference between constructive criticism, criticism, and abuse and the role honesty plays in these situations to discover how you should both talk to people and let others communicate with you.
Honesty can sometimes be mistaken with facts. It’s not critical, it’s honest. Do you not want me to be honest? Would you prefer to live a lie? People need to realize that their opinions of situations are not factual. Just because someone is saying what they think or believe doesn’t make it correct or non-offensive. Honesty can be abusive. It depends on how it is said and what is the intention behind the words. Is the situation at hand being discussed, or is a person being attacked for who they are? Calling someone dumb after something went wrong and blaming it on honesty isn’t factual, and it isn’t about the situation. It’s a form of abuse that directly attacks who someone is as a person.
Construction criticism is honesty that is not abusive. It is not about the person but a situation, and it should help someone improve. Pure criticism can also be intended to help someone improve, but it often isn’t well-received if there isn’t something constructive about it. Unlike criticism, constructive criticism considers multiple perspectives. It is a far more effective and receptive form of communication because it is not someone trying to pass their opinions off as facts. For example, I know you’ve been busy with work lately, but you keep forgetting to clean up after yourself. What could help you stay on track better? Is there a way I can help? Such a dialogue works to improve a situation and help the other person reflect on their actions. However, it also fairly expresses the speaker’s frustration.
Just as apologies are empty if the person doesn’t intend to change their actions, why offer criticism if you don’t intend to help improve a situation? People are entitled to their feelings, and people don’t have to agree with each other. However, we have to consider why we are offering criticism and what effects it will have. Will our harsh words improve our relationships with others? Are we just acting out of anger and frustration? It’s essential to realize if a person or a situation is being discussed when criticism is provided. Attacking a person is a form of abuse, and it also does little to remedy the situation. People who are habitually verbally abused often shrink into themselves and find it more challenging to understand their identity and learn how to speak up for themselves. Constantly berating someone isn’t going to help them change.
Abuse can be both critical and honest. It aims to control another person and mold them into a different version of themselves that pleases the abuser. Abuse isn’t offered to help another person grow; it aims to try to change someone else. Verbal and emotional abuse are often forms of criticism, but they directly hurt someone. Rather than remedy a situation, verbal abuse attacks who someone is as a person. Over time, verbal and emotional abuse can wear a person down and make them feel powerless to their abuser. Verbal abuse can lead to the person feeling fearful and nervous to speak. The abuser will almost always deny that their words are abusive, which makes it difficult for them to change. Furthermore, criticism can still be abusive even if the person insists that it is intended for growth.
Consider the situation that your friend is late to a planned event and you are frustrated. A critical response would be, it’s so annoying that you are late. You’re sharing your truth, but you aren’t trying to help the person grow. A construction response would be, I know you have a lot going on with work, but it hurt my feelings that you are late. Is there a way that we could improve our communication so that this wouldn’t happen again? You saw things from the other person’s perspective, let them know how you feel, and are working on a solution. An abusive response to the situation would be, you’re late for everything because you never think and you ruin every night out. You’re directly attacking the person and not the situation and making it about something more than it is. You have the right to feel frustrated about what happened, but how you voice that frustration matters.
People aren’t obliged to listen to your criticism. Construction criticism is essential to healthy growth and development. But nobody has to listen to personal attacks labeled honesty. Criticism is not something that is based on facts, but rather our perception of a situation. Often we become so stuck in our heads that we can’t even see that we fail to consider the other person’s perspective. Consider the following questions if you are a critical person. Who gave you the right to think your opinion about someone should dictate how they live their life? What makes what you are saying correct? Is this a stone-cold fact or a personal interpretation? Have you considered the situation from other perspectives? Are your words intended to genuinely improve someone else, or are they a means to belittle the other person?
For people who can’t accept criticism, understand that genuine constructive criticism is something that all humans need. We are not perfect, and there is no harm in people trying to help us grow. Sometimes we need to be called out, as we should be held accountable for our negative words and actions. But do not allow other people to masquerade their abuse as honesty or confuse their opinions as facts. Consider if you are sensitive to criticism, or if you are being abused.
Help Resources:
Emotional and Verbal Abuse (Office on Women’s Health)
Resources for Domestic Violence Help (Verbal Abuse Official Site)