This blog focuses on insidious ways that people can undermine their partners, including weaponized ignorance and incompetence.

Few people still believe that abuse is something that needs to produce bruises and visible marks, as emotional, sexual, and emotional harm is now (hopefully) widely recognized as equally damaging. However, not everyone recognizes nefarious forms of abuse and mistreatment that masquerade themselves in less obvious forms. The grim reality is that anything can be weaponized as a tool of manipulation even though we don’t always realize when we are being taken advantage of. Learn about different forms of discreet manipulation to ensure that you are not being covertly controlled.

Weaponized incompetence is a term that has been recently causing a buzz on the internet and social media. The term is often used to refer to male partners in cisgender heterosexual relationships in regards to splitting chores and taking on equal domestic work. Weaponized incompetence involves the male partner feigning ignorance over how to do a task and making the learning process so seemingly difficult that the woman will instead take sole responsibility for the chore. In short, weaponized incompetence is a sneaky way to get out of doing something and force the work onto someone else.

Paris Hilton infamously said, “If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really bad so you never have to do it again.” Fair enough. But when people, and not just men, feign being bad at something to make someone else do it, they are disrespecting their partner. Furthermore, the concept of weaponized ignorance can border very closely on gaslighting behavior. Rather than confront problems and communicate in an upfront manner, people will go to extreme means to avoid unpleasant conversations and tasks by feigning a lack of knowledge. However, this often just passes the burden of duty on to the other person, making it an imbalanced partnership.

The unfortunate truth is that virtually anything can be weaponized. Even compliments can be used as a form of manipulation. Ok- so now we’re supposed to believe that compliments can be weaponized? Surely this must be dramatic over-sensitivity. Well, not really. Compliments can be weaponized when they are being given in a carefully coordinated way. True compliments are designed to build people up, but negging is a crafty way to appear complimentary while secretly tearing someone down and laying the path for unhealthy dependency.

Manipulative people often employ negging to sway potential romantic partners. Negging involves providing an insult disguised as a compliment to tear down the other person’s self-esteem and make them more dependent on you. Such false flattery sounds like “you don’t look bad for someone your age” or “you’re not nearly as unpleasant as X said you were.” These insults are casually given in a way that lowers the self-esteem of the other person and can cause them to seek the approval of the person insulting them. As with weaponized ignorance, the person who is negging will downplay the situation to absolve themselves of wrongdoing.

Weaponized ignorance and incompetence, as well as negging, are harmful tactics for getting people to bend to your will. However, they are also incredibly frustrating since they are often done with a false sense of moral superiority. Since people who employ these manipulation tactics do so in a covert way, they seldom will admit to their manipulation and will instead make the other person feel like they are inventing problems. This attitude makes manipulators particularly unpleasant to deal with, while those being manipulated can begin to doubt themselves and their worth when manipulation persists.

Sometimes you have to trust your gut feeling if you recognize something is wrong but can’t quite pinpoint what. Different seemingly benign things can be weaponized by people to push their own agendas and exert carefully leveled control over their partners. However, we don’t have to be on high alert at all times just because anything can be weaponized. Healthy relationships require trust and communication, which makes it essential to be honest about underlying concerns. At the same time, it’s necessary to assure that you are not being taken advantage of in your life. Remember that you are the one who dictates what behavior you accept.