In this article, I explore advice for identifying and dealing with high conflict individuals in your life. Learn how to navigate difficult people without falling prey to their turbulent games and influence. 

We all deal with difficult people in our lives. Sometimes we have the good fortune of being able to easily walk away from high conflict people. Unfortunately, at other times it is unavoidable to cut HCPs out of our lives, such as when dealing with a boss, colleagues, or family members. Additionally, in some cases, we wish to keep certain high conflict relationships because they are important to us, but do not wish to fall prey to the entanglements that such relationships can cause. By learning what high conflict personalities look like, you can discover how to deal with HCPs, navigate relationships with HCPs, and limit the impact that HCPs have on your life and well-being.

To limit the impact that HCPs have on your life, it’s critical to recognize warning signs of high conflict individuals. In his book 5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life, Bill Eddy describes the different categories of HCPs. Though severity differs, high conflict individuals share several key characteristics. HCPs are largely unable to see their flaws, so they instead focus their blame on other people, creating targets of blame. They tend to think in very black or white ways, expressing extreme all-or-nothing sentiments. This trait is tied with having unmanaged emotions, creating a recipe for chaos and conflict. Eddy links HCPs to five personality disorders, which can be present in HCPs in varied ranges of intensity. While some HCPs might show no signs of a specific personality disorder, others can demonstrate many of the traits.

HCPs can be afflicted with the following personality disorders: antisocial, narcissistic, borderline, paranoid, and histrionic. Antisocial HCPs may fall under the categories of psychopaths or sociopaths. These people can act aggressively, seldom have a conscience, and are deceptively charming before revealing a secretly cruel side. Narcissistic HCPs tend to put intense focus on their targets of blame, demanding affection while hurling insults. They lack empathy and focus their energy on tearing others down. Borderline HCPs have a preoccupation with their relationships, characterized by an intense fear of abandonment. Their inability to regulate emotions and crippling fear of being alone often inadvertently lead to them pushing people away. Paranoid HCPs are filled with suspicion, which can accelerate into deep-seated conspiracy theories and paranoias. These individuals tend to harbor grudges and resentment for extraordinary periods and often feel improperly treated by others. Lastly, histrionic HCPs are tied to drama, as well as telling dramatic and emotional stories that put them in the center of attention. They are prone to exaggeration and can fabricate lies about their targets of blame, which can ruin their lives.

HCPs with each of these five personality disorders, as well as HCPs in general, can present a unique set of conflicts, problems, and chaos. HCPs with personality disorders differ from individuals with personality disorders, as HCPs focus their attention on a target of blame. While more mild HCPs can merely create drama, running afoul of HCPs can also lead to serious repercussions for targets of blame. Because HCPs can be so singularly focused and can lack empathy, they can ruthlessly destroy the lives of their targets of blame with undivided attention. Therefore, it can be extremely dangerous to have close relationships with HCPs who are not seeking professional treatment via therapy. However, since HCPs lack personal insight, it can be extremely challenging for an HCP to recognize their behavior and seek help. HCP behavior is not exclusive to any intelligence, age, occupation, geographic region, or income group. This means that you can stumble across high conflict behavior in virtually any demographic.

While you can help spot an HCP by picking up on worrisome behaviors, you can also increase your chances of identifying HCPs by understanding their patterns. Fortunately for those trying to assess if someone is an HCP, high conflict individuals exhibit predictable behavior. These individuals are characterized by a range of emotional responses that is more narrow than that of the average person. HCPs are prone to increasing conflicts and escalating arguments rather than resolving issues. Escalations can be intense, sudden, severe, and inappropriate for the given situation. HCPs can also drag out arguments for unreasonable periods, shifting blame onto others. Overall, the issue that the HCP is focused on is not truly the problem at hand. The problem lies in the behavior of the HCP, meaning that issues will occur regardless of circumstances. By being on the lookout for all-or-nothing thinking, intense emotions, extreme behaviors, and a preoccupation with blaming others, you can help guard yourself against welcoming an HCP into your life.

If you have an HCP in your life, it’s important to handle your interactions with them the right way. Remember that people suffering from a high conflict personality, especially when it is coupled with a personality disorder, are likely dealing with enormous difficulties. Such people often feel massively overwhelmed and are likely greatly suffering. However, you should never feel guilted into maintaining a damaging relationship with an HCP because you feel bad for them or they manipulate you into it. Because HCPs are unable to manage their emotions or take personal responsibility, they defer their negative emotions onto a target of blame. That means if you become too close to an HCP and don’t know how to assert yourself and advocate for yourself, you could very easily become their target of blame. This could lead to a disastrous personal or professional situation that could deeply impact your mental well-being and sense of self.

When dealing with HCPs, it is best to be concise, clear, and reasonably firm. Avoid attacking the HCP or calling them out on their bad behavior. Because they are unable to take responsibility for their actions, arguing with an HCP is largely pointless and will only lead to more conflict and frustration. Instead, calmly assert yourself in controlled sentences. For example, if the HCP is attacking the way you handled a situation, calmly explain that you made the most rational choice and move on from the discussion. Do not become too emotional and don’t waver, which will allow the HCP room to tear apart what you are saying. At the same time, excessive passivity will only serve to further anger the HCP. HCPs respond well to compliments, though they should be genuine and not given too obviously. To avoid suspicion, you should always look for things to compliment the HCP on that are true. Lastly, when exiting relationships with HCPs, it can be easier to gradually distance yourself to avoid a big blow up. At the same time, you must be firm with your decision and not allow the HCP to con you back into the relationship.

Overall, it is possible to have relationships with HCPs. All people grapple with their struggles, and nobody should be shunned because of this. However, you must advocate for yourself. Though there are strategies for dealing with HCPs and managing relationships with them, you should never feel pressured to remain in an unhealthy relationship. Becoming a target of blame for an HCP can greatly affect your happiness and sense of self, as well as your physical safety. Therefore you must understand how you deserve to be treated, and remember that you cannot change people. Some HCPs may be able to eventually recognize their behavior, take responsibility, and change, but you cannot rely on another person to change his or her personality. Instead, accept the treatment you deserve, offer support, and stand up for yourself.