This post explores the societal concept of virginity, examining its historical and contemporary definitions and the complications these definitions create.

Virginity should be at the top of the list of things that need to be debunked. This social concept does not exist in any concrete form. Yes — that means that everything from sex ed to religion to literature has stressed the significance of something that isn’t even real. Meanwhile, maintaining the validity of virginity has done nothing but cause pain, self-loathing, shame, ostracization, and even death for primarily women for far too long.

Although virginity and value have been intertwined for hundreds of years, plenty of dusty and dated concepts have become antiquated by 2024. For those who don’t believe the discussion of virginity holds weight, consider how closely this topic has forcefully been woven into discourse with womanhood. Women are faced with a higher rate of challenges including sexism, prejudice, and violence. These themes all come into play when looking at the role virginity has played in a woman’s life — which is quite frankly infuriating.

Defining The Word Virginity

So what is virginity? Let’s try to define it for a moment to reveal just how ridiculous giving any credence to this term is. The Cambridge Dictionary defines virginity as “the state of never having had sex.” Sex is then defined as “physical activity between people involving the sexual organs.” Therefore, one can conclude that any activity involving sexual organs can constitute losing virginity. Wait — does that include touching? Rubbing? Just how much contact is needed to comprise virginity loss? And why does society seem to think it only constitutes a biological male putting his penis in a biological female? 

If you ask multiple people what they consider to be virginity loss, their answers are likely to vary (especially if these people aren’t straight). After all, oral sex quite literally has the word sex in the name. However, few people would likely consider oral sex a loss of so-called virginity if they had it before sexual intercourse. Ultimately defining virginity is very slippery despite the existence of rather straightforward definitions. And this is only the easy part of the discussion.

A Brief History Of Virginity 

By now you may be thinking that defining virginity is pointless. What does it matter what someone considers virginity loss or not? Well, that’s a fortunate position to be in if you can make these assessments. Women have spent centuries being regarded by their virginity alone, as this was their defining value that overqualified beauty, wealth, youth, status, and intelligence. Meanwhile, many women are still forced into celibacy until marriage, while plenty of others are shamed for having sex before marriage or engaging in sex for enjoyment. 

Virginity is something that has been made requisite for marriage for countless centuries and in numerous cultures under various contexts. Virginity is also mentioned in assorted religious texts, including the Bible. Having sex outside of marriage is considered a sin sometimes punishable by death. Just look at Deuteronomy. 

“(20) But if this charge is true, and evidence of the young woman’s virginity is not found, (21) they shall bring the young woman to the entrance of her father’s house and there the men of her town shall stone her to death, because she committed a shameful crime in Israel by prostituting herself in her father’s house.”

Deuteronomy 22:20–21, United States Conference of Catholic Bishops

The word “virgin” has been traced back to the Greek and Latin word “virgo,” meaning “maiden,” according to Sutter Health. While it was first used to refer to goddesses, around medieval times it began being used as a term for heterosexual women who had not had penetrative sex with a male. While sexuality has been heavily discussed in Western culture since ancient times and continues to play a role in modern society, its importance was particularly stressed in the Middle Ages.

As The History Corner details, virginity, meant everything to people in the Middle Ages. Women who married despite having secret sexual relations were considered whores and were outcasts from society. If this deception was discovered, the groom was legally allowed to call all wedding guests into the bedroom and rip open his new wife’s clothes to expose her to the guests under the “Law of the False Virgin.” New husbands also took great liberties when evaluating the virginal statuses of their wives.

The belief pervaded for some time that once a woman had sex with a man, she belonged to him. Therefore, all sexual encounters were significant, and women were marked by their first encounter. Men did not want to marry women who were so-called tainted, and family reputations were staked upon the perceived purity of daughters. Stigma and stories around virginity were so absurd and uneducated that women who did not bleed on their wedding night were accused of having slept with other men and were faced with severe judgment from their husbands, as well as likely societal punishment.

(If you think that men were also forced to uphold virginity to the same extent, just read Tess of the d’Urbervilles.)

What Does Virginity Mean For Gay People?

Historically, speaking, women who were merely shamed for not being virgins seem to get off easy, as others were killed brutally. (It’s clearly ludicrous that shame is what one can hope for. However, many women can likely relate.) Meanwhile, the warped and somewhat limited concept of virginity that prevails in Western society also entirely excludes what sex means to many gay women.

The modern concept of virginity really only applies to heterosexual people, as it is largely interpreted as when a man puts his penis inside a woman. Therefore, this means that women who have never had sex with men must be virgins! (/s) Under modern reasoning, a lesbian who never experimented with men could have sex with hundreds of women and still be a virgin.

Not only is virginity something that is used to shame and ostracize, but is also somehow something used to exclude. Why does sex between women not count in the same way? Sometimes men who have sex with a bisexual woman actually think they “took” her virginity, even if she previously had sex with women. This is just one example of sexual relations between women being severely devalued and discounted — though on the other end of the spectrum, they are hyper-sexualized.

“Virginity is a socially constructed idea that is fairly exclusive to the heterosexual population. There is very little language in determining how virginity is ‘lost’ in non-heterosexual populations. Given the relatively large population of non-heterosexual populations, the validity of virginity is poor.”

 Kristen Mark, Ph.D., associate prof. of health promotion at the University of Kentucky, Self 

Retaining Virginity Is Both A Grim Reality- And A Mockery

The concept of virginity becomes even more ludicrous (and quite frankly sad) when one considers the lengths people go to remain a “virgin” in the eyes of their community. For example, someone might have anal sex rather than vaginal sex to stay “virginal” for marriage. However, why one form of sex seems more valid than the other remains a mystery. Meanwhile, some Mormon people practice an act known as soaking (reader discretion advised). This involves having the man place his penis in his partner and hold still while a friend sometimes goes under the bed and shakes it. Since neither partner moves on their own volition, they do not actually have sex. Therefore they are still “pure.”

Forced purity is clearly a farce. At best, it is a misguided way to control people. At worst, it is a form of savage oppression. The concept of virginity seems constructed entirely as a means to force morality onto the acts most people naturally want to commit when they hit puberty. Furthermore, virginity is never fair, as it always punishes the woman and lays a stigma on her and often her alone. While men are congratulated and celebrated for “losing” their virginity, many women are ostracized and shamed for the same deed.

Closing Thoughts On Virginity

Perhaps it’s now time we stop giving the act of sex so much significance. On the other hand, choosing to abstain from sex is not a negative thing if one does so willingly and not due to outside control or shame. Some people choose celibacy, while numerous members of the ace community might decide to pursue relationships that don’t or rarely include sex. Others value intimacy closely and selectively decide when they want to engage in sexual acts with others. No choice is more valid than another. (Honestly, people care too much about others’ sex lives.)

At the end of the day, people should make their own empowered (and legal) choices about their sex lives devoid of shame, scandal, and ridicule. Having sex can be significant if one wants it to be. It can also be fun, experimental, and largely uneventful. But above all, there isn’t something called “virginity” that is disappearing or being taken once two people decide to touch their genitals. This is simply something that does not exist. In closing, since virginity is not real, nothing can be lost. Having sex does not lessen a person.

Continued Reading: Dissecting the Madonna-Whore Dichotomy