This is a breakdown of types of emotional abuse shared with the purpose of creating language and recognition for those lost inside it.

Forward: On Speaking Up About Emotional Abuse

There are always two sides to every story. But abuse isn’t a story—it’s a system. It’s repeatable, recognizable, and strategic. And it thrives in silence.

The person on the receiving end of emotional abuse is often flawed. They may yell. They may spiral. They may push back in ways that look messy. But that doesn’t erase what’s being done to them.

Emotional abuse is not a “bad dynamic.” It involves repetitive, intentional strategies designed to discredit, disempower, and shrink another person for the sake of control.

This piece exists to understand emotional abuse from the inside. To record it. To name it. And to pull yourself out of the pattern.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is a pattern of behaviors meant to control, confuse, and destabilize another person through manipulation, invalidation, or coercion. It is often subtle, deniable, or dressed up as care.

It is not a single blow-up. It is death by a thousand redirections. Emotional abuse might appear as someone:

• Consistently undermining your confidence
• Frequently shifting blame away from themselves and onto you
• Perpetually keeping you emotionally off-balance
• Making you question your own perception

Emotional abuse rarely appears this way at first. Abusers know how to love bomb and lay on the charm. This is how they lure their victims in and get them to stay.

That way, their victims spend the rest of the relationship chasing a relationship high that never really existed. Before they can recognize the abuse for what it is, victims may find themselves stripped of their sense of self.

Further Reading: National Domestic Violence Hotline

How Emotional Abuse Harms You

Emotional abuse is often the most downplayed form of abuse. But it has very real consequences. Longterm exposure to emotional abuse can do the following:

• Rewire your brain to distrust your instincts
• Create cognitive dissonance between what you feel and what you’re told
• Make you feel responsible for someone else’s emotions
• Erode your identity until you forget what you thought, believed, or wanted
• Train your nervous system to stay on alert (which has very real physical consequences)
• Force you into survival mode

That’s why it’s paramount to understand the signs of emotional abuse. The kind of abuse you may be familiar with—whether from media or experience—might not be the one that is waiting to harm you this time.

The Top 10 Forms of Emotional Abuse

In order to avoid emotional abuse and understand an experience that strips individuals of control and narrative, let’s break down 11 forms of emotional abuse and what they look like in action.

1. The Reversal (DARVO)

They hurt you. You react. And now you are the abuser.

DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender—is the spine of emotional abuse. You try to name harm. They deny it ever happened. You show emotion. They call it aggression. You try to explain. Suddenly, you’re being accused of making them feel unsafe.

Go ahead and name something that hurt—and watch the conversation unfold like clockwork:

1. Deny: “That never happened.” / “You misunderstood.”
2. Attack: “You’re too sensitive.” / “Why do you always escalate?”
3. Reverse Victim/Offender: “You’re making me feel unsafe.” / “You’re abusing me.”

The result? You leave the conversation more confused when you entered it. Plus, there’s a good chance you just apologized for something you never did—or a past situation that was once again dragged to light to avoid talking about something current.

Your pain is punished. Your reality gets flipped. The lesson becomes clear: Stay silent, or face accusations. So you stop speaking.

Scenario: Nomi tells Marla that Marla’s distant attitude has been hurting her. Marla scoffs, calls it “an interrogation,” and storms out. She blames Nomi for calling out her flaws, being overly negative, and always criticizing her. 

Later, Marla texts: “You scared me tonight.” Nomi, horrified by the accusation, apologizes. The next day, Marla is sweet again. Nomi never brings up the distance again.

2. Gaslighting

“That never happened.” “You’re exaggerating.” “You’re too sensitive.”

Suddenly, you’re unsure what reality is.

Gaslighting makes you doubt your memory, then your feelings, then your sanity. It starts subtly: They forget promises, rewrite conversations, shift blame. Eventually, you can’t tell if you’re paranoid or perceptive. You begin to document everything, just to prove you aren’t making it up.

Gaslighting doesn’t just confuse you. It isolates you. The worst part isn’t that you’re being lied to; it’s that you stop trusting yourself.

Scenario: David tells his boyfriend, Ethan, that he flirted with someone “as a joke.” Later, he denies saying it. When Ethan pushes back, David sighs, “Are we really doing this again? You need help, babe. This is why you have no friends.”

3. Emotional Withholding

They love you—until you ask for anything. Then suddenly they’re gone.

Stop asking for things? Or even better—start offering things? Suddenly they’re back. Just as long as you don’t ask again…

This form of control isn’t loud. It’s more like starvation. They stop showing affection, stop responding kindly, stop touching you. Maybe they even physically leave until you’re trained to obey.

You’re forced to perform silence and softness in hopes they’ll warm up again. You might even apologize for things you didn’t do just to get their love back. You become an expert in “not asking too much.” You shrink. They blossom.

Scenario: Every time Lina tries to discuss feeling disconnected with her husband, he goes on a walk and ignores her calls and messages. When he returns, he immediately leaves again if she starts bringing up her feelings. He only remains when she is silent. Eventually Lina stops trying to share how she feels.

4. The Fragile God Complex

“I’m broken.” “I’m trying.” “You know how hard things are for me.” “I’m just exhausted, and you’re making it worse.”

They confess their wounds to disarm you. They collapse in your arms, tell you they were never shown love, that you are the first person they’ve ever trusted. You feel chosen. Special. Called to heal them.

But you’re not a partner. You’re a priest. The moment you stop worshiping—or as soon as you start challenging—their actions, the mask falls. Their fragility becomes a fortress. No one is allowed to hurt them—but they can hurt you. “They’re just overwhelmed,” you tell yourself.

Funny how they always seem to be over-whelmed when it comes to discussing your needs.

Scenario: Riley tells their girlfriend, “I’m scared of how much I love you.” But when the girlfriend brings up her own trauma, Riley grows cold. “You think you’ve had it bad? You have no idea what I’ve survived.” When Riley tries to discuss relationship issues, their girlfriend says Riley is being emotionally draining.

5. Covert Control

No screaming. No commands. Just your world gradually shrinking around them.

What do abusers do in order to maintain their power? They isolate you. This isn’t about someone yelling “Don’t wear that!” It’s “Are you sure that’s the vibe you’re going for?” It’s “Your friends are cool, but I just don’t feel welcome.” It’s “I just worry you’ll get hurt on that trip.” You start adjusting yourself preemptively.

You alter your actions to what you know will elicit a pleased response—and avoid what might set them off. In this way, you end up isolated without knowing how it happened. You stopped doing things not because they forbid them, but because they made you feel bad enough to stop.

Not only has your world shrunk, but they can deny culpability. After all, wasn’t it your choice not to go out?

Scenario: Sara’s partner never says she can’t hang out with her friends for their regular girls’ night dancing. But every time she does, he becomes sad and withdrawn. Eventually, Sara stops going. When she suggests a trip, he says, “You’ll probably forget about me there and end up flirting with someone else.” So she cancels. He smiles and pulls her in close.

6. Manufactured Chaos

Peace only comes after you’ve bled for it.

Some people can’t function without crisis. If things are calm, they provoke a reaction—just to feel alive. They start fights before big events. They ghost you before trips. They ruin weekends. They pick the most vulnerable moments to lash out, then act shocked when you cry.

Chaos becomes the rhythm of the relationship. It gives them power. It makes you too exhausted to leave. You’re left shocked by the fact that you can experience such a paucity of sympathy during your hardest times.

In fact, your so-called loved one always seems to strike when you’re down.

Scenario: Alex plans a birthday trip with her boyfriend, Leo. The night before, he disappears. She packs alone, crying. He shows up at 2 a.m., drunk and cold. “You’re overreacting,” he says. “I just needed space.” She spends her dream trip trying not to cry, because Leo says she’s ruining the experience. After all, didn’t he show up in time?

7. Threatened Abandonment

“I can’t do this anymore.” “Maybe we need a break.” “You’re too much.”

They dangle the threat of leaving as punishment. They make love conditional. You grow terrified of being “too difficult.” So you self-edit. You downplay needs. You apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong.

This isn’t just about fear of being alone. It’s about being taught that your love is always at risk—and therefore never safe. Arguments don’t come down to needing temporary space; there becomes the omnipresent threat of complete abandonment.

Scenario: Micah says, “I think I need some time to think,” every time his girlfriend calls him out. After every disagreement, he threatens a breakup and tells her, “Maybe we just aren’t compatible.” She begs him to stay and work out their communication style. One day, she has a panic attack and texts him. He leaves her on read for 6 hours, then says: “You’re exhausting me.”

8. Exploited Empathy

They know you’ll forgive. They count on it.

The kindest people are often the most abused. They give the benefit of the doubt. They imagine the best in others. They continue when others would quit.

And abusers love this. They’ll cry about their childhood, their ex, their mental health. They’ll say you’re the only one who ever stayed. And they’ll lean on you, knowing you’ll carry it—even while they keep hurting you.

While people shouldn’t soften their kindness because they’ve been hurt, recognizing this nefarious form of abuse could mean saving a lot of energy—and preventing serious harm.

Scenario: Every time Nikki considers leaving her boyfriend, he brings up how his mom left him in childhood. “You’re the only person who ever stayed with me,” he tells her. Likewise, he uses the neglect he experienced as a child for the way he neglects her now. “I just never learned differently,” he rations. Nikki feels pressured into staying with him, because she feels like all he has.

9. Loss of Self

You wake up and can’t remember who you were before.

The ultimate goal of emotional abuse isn’t to fight you. It’s to absorb you. To make you forget your worth, your boundaries, your hobbies, your joy. You’re so busy surviving the relationship that your identity gets stripped away.

They don’t have to break you. They just have to make you forget you were whole.

Scenario: Thomas used to be a writer. He stopped journaling when his boyfriend read his notebook without permission. He stopped playing music when it annoyed him. He stopped dressing the way he loved because it was “too much.” A year in, he looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the man staring back.

10. Intimacy Weaponized

Love becomes a tool. Sex becomes a debt. Affection becomes a leash.

They offer connection only when they want something. They shut down intimacy when you need closeness. You’re punished with coldness or given just enough warmth to keep you from leaving. (Keyword: breadcrumbs.) They may shame you for needing touch or push your boundaries when you’re vulnerable.

When they’re sweet, it feels like grace. When they’re cruel, it feels like punishment. But in both cases, it’s about control.

Scenario: A woman tells her partner she’s been feeling disconnected. He initiates sex that night—rough, unloving, fast. She lies there numb. When she brings it up later, he says: “I thought that’s what you wanted. Guess I can’t win.”

Bonus: The Sympathy Trap

You speak up. Everyone feels sorry… for them.

Every time you try to call your partner out, you find the situation flipped. You finally tell someone what happened. You whisper the word abuse. But they don’t get angry. They look concerned—for your partner. They say, “He just doesn’t know how to love.” Or “That’s tough, but he’s been through so much.” Or “She’s not malicious, just confused.”

You try to tell your own narrative; but your partner has already laid the pieces out to rewrite it. And so you spiral. You feel dramatic. Alone. You start comforting the person who hurt you. You feel like a villain in your own story. This is the sympathy trap. You’re taking care of the person who hurt you until you don’t know what to believe.

Scenario: Ivy tells her boyfriend that she doesn’t like his bad planning, as he’s always playing video games when he said he would be free for dates. He tells mutual friends she can’t accept that his parent is sick and he needs to plan things around their schedule. Suddenly Ivy looks like the bad guy and finds herself apologizing about something she was never even told about.

Epilogue: The Other Side

Living inside these patterns? You lose your center. You become a professional doubt-carrier, apology-giver, truth-bender. You forget what certainty feels like.

That’s why it’s so critical to recognize emotional abuse for what it is. Write down what happens to you (in a safe space). Document incidents. Slowly the patterns will begin to reveal themselves. At the very least, you’ll have a reference point to look back on. Suddenly, you’ll see that you weren’t wrong about nearly as many things as they claim.

Once you recognize emotional abuse, you can begin to heal. Abusers are often charming and compelling people. They lay out traps to try and maintain their flawless image. But that doesn’t mean you can’t tell your own story.

Emotional abuse is not “just words.” It has very real effects that deserve to be seen for what they are: coercive control. People who love you don’t sound like the ones mentioned in the fictional scenarios above. Love is flawed, but it isn’t mean to leave you questioning your reality or sense of self.

Cover photo by Photo by Markus Winkler for Pexels.

Continued Reading: You’re Being Abused. Now What?