This article explores narcissistic abuse from the perspective of someone who has experienced this form of psychological manipulation. Learn how to spot the signs, protect yourself, and regain your sanity when it comes to narcissistic abuse.

11-minute read time

It might be 2024, but to many people, abuse is something that has to show up on your body in black, blue, or red to be classified as such. If you found this article, at least a tiny part of you hopefully knows that it is not true. It is my goal by the end of this reading that you can say with your full chest that verbal abuse including narcissistic abuse is also a form of violence, albeit one that leaves less visible marks. However, it can just as well diminish and destroy a person. 

I have written in the past defending the larger term narcissism, which I believe has become as overused and thus stripped of meaning as words such as “toxic” and “triggering.” Many of us possess degrees of narcissism, which can be benign and even healthy to small degrees. This does not apply to narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse is a form of manipulative abuse that strips the narcissist’s target of not only their sense of self-worth but often has them doubting their reality. 

Narcissistic abuse can destroy a person — and it just so happens that dangerous and damaging individuals who also have narcissistic personality disorder often prey on vulnerable people. Today, I am going to break down everything from what is narcissistic abuse to how to spot the signs to how to respond to this form of manipulation. I hope that those on the receiving end of this abuse can find a place of understanding where they realize they are not, in fact, crazy.

Understanding Narcissism & NPD

Let’s start at the beginning: defining narcissism. Psych Central defines narcissism as being a spectrum that people fall on in which they believe they are superior to others. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), on the other hand, is a mental disorder. The Mayo Clinic classifies it as a personality disorder that affects many areas of a person’s life.

People with NPD can learn to live functional lives, as they experience symptoms on a spectrum. But here are some of the main traits of NPD: 

• Unreasonably high sense of self-importance and entitlement to special treatment
• A constant need for admiration, often boasting about achievements and expecting recognition without merit
• Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, and beauty
• Critical of and looking down on others or exploiting them for personal gain
• Lacking empathy, with an inability to recognize others’ needs and feelings
• Envious of others and believing others envy them
• Displaying arrogance and conceit

People with narcissistic personality disorder who have not been treated can be difficult to deal with. Issues including anger and impatience at not receiving special treatment, having major problems interacting socially, experiencing rage or contempt, belittling others to feel superior, having difficulty managing emotions and behavior, withdrawing from situations they cannot dominate, depression and moody behavior when perfection is not achieved, and harboring secret shame and insecurities.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

I want to emphasize that not all narcissism is abuse. And not all people with an NPD diagnosis are abusive. But the scary thing about getting into a relationship with a narcissistic personality is how charismatic they at first appear; it is often only until you are sucked into the relationship that you realize how grim your reality has become. 

Sometimes it’s not the people who change; it’s the mask that falls off.
— Haruki Murakami

Narcissistic abuse stems from the narcissistic behaviors we defined above, including a lack of empathy, aggression, unstable emotions, and a need for admiration. Therefore, narcissistic abuse might take the form of intimidation, coercion, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail according to Medical News Today.

Understanding the Danger of Narcissistic Abuse: A Threat to Your Reality

Narcissists insult your intelligence so they can conceal their stupidity.
— Shahida Arabi

Narcissistic abuse may not leave bruises, but it can dramatically transform a person and make them a shell of who they once were. That is because this form of abuse thrives off of belittling a person and tearing them down to build up the narcissist, as they need a position of superiority to sustain their sense of self. The narcissistic can thus resort to dangerous tactics including gaslighting to maintain their warped view of the world and keep their victim compliant. 

Gaslighting is defined by Medical News Today as “a form of psychological abuse where a person causes someone to question their sanity, memories, or perception of reality.” This manipulative tactic is often used in narcissistic abuse to make the victim doubt themselves, thus giving more strength to the abuser. 

Narcissistic abuse can completely rob an abuse victim of their sense of self and severely shake their view of the world. They can come to doubt and mistrust not only if people are on their side but if anyone would believe them. Unfortunately, the damage caused by narcissistic abuse can take years to repair due to how deeply it can shatter the sense of self. 

Conversations You Never Get to Have: How to Respond to Narcissistic Abuse

Those who get upset for being treated the way that they treat others, will never understand why others treat them the way that they treat others.
— David J Martinez

Now we’ve arrived at a difficult part in the narcissistic abuse conversation and one that I hope to save you some of your sanity with. But it’s a bitter pill to swallow: you cannot reason with narcissistic abusers. They simply won’t understand, accept, or admit to the damage of their behavior. 

Here’s a question I’ve asked myself countless times in life: do abusers know they’re abusive? The best answer I can find is inconclusive. It’s rather astounding the mental gymnastics people will do to justify either their abusive actions or the actions of their friends and family. So in some cases, I don’t think people allow themselves to recognize their abuse at the forefront of their minds.

This isn’t to excuse their behavior. It’s just to say that reasoning with these individuals is utterly fruitless and only a threat to your sanity. 

Dana Morningstar addresses this question in her book, The Narcissist’s Playbook. She outlines how it can feel like narcissists do just what her title suggests — learn from a playbook — because their responses and reactions can be so chillingly similar. However, this is more tied to manipulation tactics that are simply being repeated. As Dana writes, “Abuse and manipulation go hand in hand.”

Above, I outlined many of the diverse gaslighting responses that narcissistic abusers will likely resort to if you try to get them to confront their behavior. When faced with their bad behavior and its consequences, a well-adjusted person will likely show remorse, express regret, admit to their wrong-doings, apologize for specific actions, and outline the behavior they no longer wish to repeat. 

However, this would mean admitting to faults. And narcissistic abusers feed off of their sense of superiority. Therefore, the narcissistic abuser will refuse to see reality and will not admit to the pain they caused. They might blame the reaction of the other person rather than addressing their own behavior. They can shift blame and attempt to flip the situation. They might even try to distort reality and get the person to question if the situation even occurred in the first place.

This can lead to victims of narcissistic abuse resorting to everything from meticulous journaling to even recording their partners. But narcissistic abusers will always have an excuse for the behavior they are presented with or a way to flip the conversation to call out the other person. (It will not be a question of what’s in the recording but why the other person betrayed their trust and privacy by making the recording in the first place.)

In short, save your words, because you cannot reason with narcissistic abuse.

The Path Forward: Spotting Signs of Narcissistic Abuse & Staying Safe

I want to end with a promise for the way forward. When it comes to safety from narcissistic abuse, there are two routes: protection and prevention. I think they both involve spotting the signs — which remember, might be different from signs of abuse in previous relationships. Whether you want to safeguard yourself for future relationships or are questioning your current one, take a look at how you feel when you are with a potential narcissistic abuser. 

• Are you able to be yourself around the person without fear or anxiety?
• Do you feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells?
• Do you experience frequent criticism or belittling?
• Is there a lack of empathy or concern for your feelings?
• Do you frequently feel like your feelings are ignored or dismissed?
• Are you blamed for the other person’s problems and emotions?
• Does the person use manipulation or guilt to control you?
• Is your self-esteem suffering?
• Do you feel isolated from friends and family?
• Is there a pattern of love-bombing followed by devaluation?
• Are your boundaries frequently violated?
• Do you feel trapped or powerless in the relationship?
• Is there a history of lying or deceit?
• Do you feel like a shell of the person you once were?

If you recognize that you feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or diminished in a relationship — or if you start to feel this way in the early stages — then it may be time for a serious re-evaluation. If you are forced to interact with a narcissistic personality (let’s say for a job), then you should respond by being calm and brief and setting a lot of boundaries that you firmly stick to. But unless the narcissistic abuser in your life is willing to put in the work to heal, it is very unlikely that they will spontaneously “see the light,” recognize their damage, and change.

Either way, you are here. Maybe it’s just to learn about something new, but you never know when this could come in handy.

I want you to know that if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, there is hope. You can rebuild your self-esteem, even if you have fallen into this trap multiple times before. If you have someone in your life who makes your gut clench, don’t ignore that feeling. These warning signs exist for a reason, and it is oftentimes necessary for us to advocate for ourselves. Remember: knowledge is power. Once you recognize the game of the narcissistic, you can learn how to slowly unfurl yourself from their web. 

Continued Reading: The Weaponization Of Therapy Terms

Main article image taken by cottonbro studio.