Constructive criticism helps people grow, but constant nitpicking affects relationships on both ends. Discover why people nitpick, how to deal with nitpicking, and why it’s unhealthy.
Criticism is necessary for human growth. Though some people quiver at the thought of feedback, we cannot grow if we do not recognize our weak spots. However, there is a difference between constructive criticism and constant criticism. A pedant is someone who always notices flaws; no matter how seamlessly you accomplish something, they are there to unravel your success by pointing out any minute area of perceived defect. Nitpicking, or constant fault finding, is a pedantic practice that harms both parties. Constant fault-finding is reflective of the pedant, though it affects both themselves and their target.
How Nitpicking Affects Health & Relationships
What does it mean to nitpick? Very Well Mind defines signs of nitpicking as constantly pointing out insignificant issues, showing excessive irritation over minor things, preoccupation with trivial matters, holding excessively high expectations, being extremely sensitive, disproportionate complaining, and pointing out past behavior to shame someone. In short, nitpicking is excessive criticism to a fussy, pedantic, and almost compulsive degree. If you ask a constant fault-finder why they nitpick, they will likely say it is because they want to correct the flaws in the world around them. However, nitpicking actually has an adverse effect.
Nitpicking is noxious to relationship health. It causes an abundance of strife between people, including arguments, lower intimacy, loss of trust, resentment, self-esteem interference, and a reduction of overall relationship satisfaction. The constant focus on trivial matters often causes the person on the receiving end of nitpicking to feel as though their accomplishments and achievements are overlooked. In response, they can start to hide things from the pedant in an attempt to minimize the critical behavior. The pedant, meanwhile, isolates those around them with their judgmental behavior that fails to rectify any conduct that upsets the person.
Therapy website Supportiv highlights why nitpicking is an ineffective way of communication. Because nitpicking hyper-focused on trivial details, it tends to drown out the bigger picture. The imbalance of positive and negative feedback establishes the nitpicker as a judgmental person who is quick to highlight minor errors. This isolates the pedant from the people around them, whether in the workforce, family, friends, or romantic partners. Pedants are often difficult to communicate with, as they focus on the negative and can be demoralizing people to be around.
Why Do People Nitpick?
People who nitpick will probably blame it on those they call out, or they might say it is because they care. However, that doesn’t answer the true why when it comes to nitpicking. The real reason people nitpick is likely buried inside of them. PRWeb shared the results of a psychological study conducted with data from 13,999 people who took a self-esteem test. The compiled data helped to create a personality profile of nitpickers, revealing that they possess on average more narcissistic traits, as well as self-esteem issues that prevent them from recognizing and owning up to their mistakes.
Nitpickers scored significantly lower on self-esteem assessments, as compared to non-nitpickers. For example, 43% of nitpickers admitted to feelings worthless and useless, as compared to 23% of non-nitpickers. At the same time, they contain elevated levels of superiority that shield them from accepting feedback. Only 15% of non-nitpickers think other people’s criticism stems from jealousy, though 41% of nitpickers believe this. Meanwhile, 35% of nitpickers consider themselves superior to most people, compared to 11% of non-nitpickers. Nitpickers are also far more afraid to have their own mistakes pointed out, which makes them defensive and closed off to hearing any feedback or constructive criticism.
Supportiv explains other reasons why people might develop pedantic personalities. In some cases, a perceived sense of superiority causes the nitpicker to believe that people will benefit from their constant advice and interjections. The nitpicker is unable to see that their way of doing things is not necessarily superior to how other people live, which leads to them constantly interjecting their opinion. Nitpicking can also be a way to try and establish control, especially since nitpickers tend to have less self-esteem but desire positions of high status. Additionally, nitpicking can be a maladaptation stemming from ineffective communication. People who cannot express their needs ahead of time might use nitpicking to address their desires afterward.
How To Respond To Nitpicking In Your Life
Are you dealing with a pedant? People don’t always want to classify things into serious categories and that is fine. Using words such as abuse is loaded. However, constant nitpicking can become uncomfortable, unhealthy, and abusive. Whether or not you want to use these terms is up to you. But if you are dealing with a perpetual pedant, it is important to recognize their behavior for your own health. Being the target of constant nitpicking can become more than demoralizing. It can cause a person to alter their behaviors and responses to defend themselves against criticism. It can cause stress that leads to mental, as well as physical health concerns.
Is there relief for someone being nitpicked? When it comes to nitpicking, it’s helpful to understand the situation. If you navigate your interpersonal relationships with a healthy amount of recognition and constructive criticism and only receive overwhelming feedback from one person, chances are they are the problem. If you were to disappear from this person’s life, they would likely find another person to bear the brunt of their feedback. Recognizing that you are not responsible for how this person is treating you can help relieve personal feelings of guilt, shame, or low self-esteem caused by constant criticism.
Next, when it comes to addressing the constant criticism, come up with a plan. Calmly explain the way you are feelings and lay out your boundaries in the relationship. While this might be harder to do if you are dealing with a critical boss, you might have to consider turning to resources such as HR or even leaving the position. Document what has been happening to you, as the critical person is likely to become defensive and deny your reality. Have specific examples on hand. Explain how you are feeling in these situations, your boundaries in the relationship, and your future expectations. Evaluate if the relationship is worth it to you, or if you are sacrificing too much of your mental and physical well-being to remain in it.
Can Nitpickers & Pedants Be Helped?
People possess the capacity to change, but only if they are willing to first recognize their behavior. Statistically, critical people are less likely to want to change. However, nitpickers can learn how to manage and regulate their emotions, including frustration, anger, shame, and control issues. They can work on accepting trivial matters and knowing when to address an issue and when to let things go. They can also develop their capacity for acceptance and recognize that their way of living isn’t agreeable to all people. However, this can only be done if the person is willing to change.
If you are dealing with an overly critical person, it doesn’t mean that they will be like this forever. There is a chance that they will recognize their behavior and strive to better themselves. If you have an open discussion with the pedant in your life and they apologize and take the opportunity to see things from your perspective, that is a promising step in the right direction. However, if the person dismisses your feelings and refuses to see how their behavior affects you, that is not a hopeful sign for change. Is this a person you want in your life?
It’s necessary to not only establish boundaries in relationships but to stick to them. Every time boundaries are set and then not held, it sets the tone for the relationship. When we don’t stand by our boundaries, we signal to the other person that their behavior is acceptable and that we will allow them to get away with mistreating us. Constructive criticism is a healthy aspect of life that is necessary for personal growth. However, excessive criticism is beneficial to no one and, in fact, has damaging effects on the health of both parties. It’s time we call nitpicking out for what it is: a stunted and noxious form of communication.
Sources: Very Well Mind, Supportiv, PRWeb
Continued Reading: Coping with Constant Criticism