In this candid and oftentimes raw piece, I explore some ideas behind why we find ourselves blaming women for the actions of men, including personal insights and an exploration of repressed bias. 

I actually felt my body go cold when I saw the post — a rare feat during European summers. This story starts many years ago, but this post starts here. I saw smiling wedding photos of a woman praising her new husband, and I felt a white-hot rage I so rarely wear that I was surprised at how well it fit.

When the feeling softened enough, I found myself with a mix of anger and shame — am I justified in disliking this woman who married a man complicit in my abuse? Or does this anger reveal faults in myself? Blaming women for the actions of men is widespread in everything from mass media to social media to everyday conversations. Is it ever justified? I think it’s time we examine this phenomenon. 

Background: My Experience with Blaming Women for Men’s Actions  

First, let’s explore my experience with blaming women for men’s actions. As I’ve revealed before, an ex-boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence. One night after fourteen months of abuse, I couldn’t take any more. My ex hit me in the face multiple times. When he exited the car, I locked the doors and called the police. He phoned a fraternity brother and fled the scene only to be caught and arrested.

Many of the ex-boyfriend’s former roommates who witnessed the abuse testified against him, and their testimonies coupled with evidence and a school investigation helped my ex get expelled from our school due to his abusive behavior. (In a separate case I have written about, the Texas me I could only receive a protective order if I was hit again, thus proving that I was still in danger.) 

Here is who stood witness for my ex: Not the fraternity brother who picked him up that night but rather my ex’s “big” and “little” in his fraternity — two men who seldom played a role in our lives and were not there the night of the arrest. My ex (who had an expensive lawyer compared to my court-appointed attorney) brought these men up to back his false claims of innocence.

Okay, so here’s where this story is going. The “big,” who we will call Carlos for this writing, had previously been an acquaintance of mine. This was something that naturally completely soured once I accused my ex of domestic violence. (It would shock you how many people will not support abuse survivors when they speak out.) In fact, Carlos once threatened me with physical violence in an attempt to protect my ex’s reputation and silence me back in 2014.

You can imagine my shock when Carlos and the “little,” Jackson, both committed perjury in court for my ex. They stood by brotherhood (one that had hazing rituals which included giving one brother hypothermia due to freezing conditions and having men tie bricks to their genitals) to now be complicit in violence against women. 

So when I saw last week that Carlos had married his college sweetheart, I felt an initial surge of anger, not for him, but for her. I thought to myself, how can a woman — who says she is an herbal doctor and healer nonetheless — flaunt her relationship with someone who behaved in such a way? And how can they still, after all that came out and was proven by our school, invite my ex to their wedding? Because (quite ironically in this situation), we live in a society that dislikes women who come forward about abuse more than the men who abuse them.

Why Do We Direct Anger at Women Instead of Men?

When it comes to my situation, I pinpointed this anger down to several things. First, I understand that people aren’t black and white. I am truly open to the concept of change, growth, and rehabilitation. I believe in second chances. (Which is why I harbor no ill will for Jackson, someone who later apologized to me in person.) However, not only did Carlos turn on me when I tried to get help after being repeatedly assaulted over months — as well as threaten me himself before committing perjury — he then went on to still associate with a known domestic abuser. (Who I unfortunately know for a fact never changed.)

What stung so much about the situation was that Carlos married his college sweetheart — someone who surely knew he lied on the stand to protect his fraternity brother. This woman stood by Carlos and continued to allow my ex to be a part of her celebration after knowing that he was expelled from our school after outstanding proof of ongoing domestic violence was provided. How could I not feel anger?

What hurts the most is that their actions of Carlos sadly don’t surprise me very much. Life has taught me violence at the hands of men, as well as the concept of closing ranks and being complicit in each other’s crimes. While I have also known betrayal from women, they are still the ones I tend to trust. (For the sake of simplicity, I am not addressing nonbinary individuals in this conversation.) Ultimately, I believe the pain I experienced arose from the fact that someone who was seemingly supposed to be on my side in the world stood by someone who most definitely was not.

Acknowledging Internalized Misogyny When Blaming Women

I can’t have this conversation without moving things to a greater scale. When dozens of accusations came out against Bill Cosby, people were aghast that his wife stood by him. The same happened with Harvey Weinstein. In fact, when actors are accused of transgressions, you simply have to turn to the Instagram comments of their significant other to see how many people will attack them, pressure them, and demand they address their partners’s actions and take their own. 

Women seem to get blamed for lots of things than men do. For example, it’s not uncommon to hear the mistress in a cheating situation receive wrath while the husband or partner is forgiven. Are women made to take the burden of men’s actions because they are more sensitive and thus the likelier candidate for making amends? Or does this have something deeper to do with displacing anger and blame? Is it simply because the perceived betrayal of a woman is more painful than the actual actions of a man?

Ultimately, when we talk about blaming women and ask ourselves if this mindset is justified, we must address the elephant in the room: internalized misogyny. 

I don’t have the answers to all of these questions I posed, because I believe there are a mixture of reasons. The rallying protection and bond of sisterhood makes the pain of being hurt by a woman (or seeing a fellow woman stand with an abuser) feel like an even more personal offense. However, it’s naive to not consider the social conditioning at play in a patriarchal society.

Internalized misogyny can lead to women harboring sexist beliefs through social conditioning that causes them to target women rather than men. Blaming women can also be done as a defense mechanism or as a form of projection. Meanwhile, internalized misogyny can cause competition for male approval, which might involve putting down other women. Blaming women has social rewards within a patriarchal society while calling out men often comes with consequences and the closing of the ranks of brotherhood.

What is internalized misogyny?

Internalized misogyny is the term used for the internalized sexist beliefs and attitudes that women experience, sometimes without realizing it, that cause them to believe in and act on gender bias. Characteristics of internalized misogyny include self-deprecation, competition with fellow women, reinforcing sexist stereotypes about women, and having lower confidence as a woman due to negative internalized beliefs.

Recognizing Reasons for Blaming Women

Naturally, women blaming women doesn’t always boil down to internalized misogyny. (While men blaming women can sometimes be due to just straight-up misogyny.) But this discussion brings up a prime opportunity to confront some of the dangerous notions that might exist in our brains because the very structures of our society reinforce them. 

There are false beliefs about women that have been perpetuated for hundreds of years. And these might shed more light on why we find ourselves blaming women for the actions of men. Oxfam International outlines a vitally important article on ten harmful beliefs that perpetuate ongoing violence against women. This list includes: 

1. Women must be submissive to male family members.
2. Men are expected to exercise coercive control.
3. Men have the right to discipline women for “incorrect” behavior.
4. Women cannot deny their male partner sex.
5. Sexual harassment is normal.
6. Women experience violence because they are dressed “provocatively.”
7. All women should become mothers.
8. Girls are valued as wives, not as individuals.
9. Heterosexuality is the only acceptable sexual orientation.
10. Divorced women have less value.

I believe this list, which you can explore in-depth on Oxfam’s website, outlines harmful notions that we should all examine if we reinforce them (consciously or subconsciously). Women are historically denied more freedoms and rights than men and made to be moral pillars who must bear the weight and responsibility of transgression. It is very much possible that such dated and sexist concepts still influence how we view women in Western society. Because I can tell you for a fact that the majority of people (at least in North Texas) feel more inclined to attack a woman for being raped or beaten than they do feel to shun her rapist or abuser.

Closing Thoughts on Blaming Women 

As someone who always tries to see both sides of an argument, I recognize how rarely men are blamed for the actions of women. And when men are called out for the perceived faults of their partners, they are often told to contort them or put them on a leash (as though the women are property then have to manage.) In contrast, men seem to be the responsibility of women, who are often asked to bear double the moral duty, while women also are often forced into the impossible Madonna-whore paradox when men seldom are. 

In all instances of blame, women bear the brutality of language. And this simply isn’t something I support. But I do believe in guilt by association, as well as the old saying you are the company you keep. But  I also recognize that women who are in abusive situations struggle to find a way out. My ex abused me, but he was also nasty to many people. As his girlfriend for a time, was I complicit in his mistreatment of others? 

Ultimately, I left the situation and have spent the last decade advocating for women’s rights, supporting the women in my life from family to friends to acquaintances in need. No matter what is said about me, it won’t be that I didn’t stand by women. So this is why I can so shamelessly put my story on display. Because I refuse to remain silent. 

I have had women date and even marry my rapists. I sat next to a woman and had a man confess to her that he raped me and I saw that she still didn’t believe him. (She went on to still date him. Who knows what became of them.) I have been mocked and probably blacklisted and kicked out of parties for being raped and beaten and having dared to say anything about it. Though the weight of the abuse is what lives in my body, the knowledge of people siding with my abusers is what lodges in my chest and makes it hard to breathe. 

But I acknowledge a world in which things are not black and white. I understand we want to see the best in people. But we have to be better. 

Ultimately there is only one way forward: for us all to hold people accountable for their actions with a chance at genuine rehabilitation. This does not mean leaning into cancel culture or stigmatizing former convicts for life. It means that we ask people to answer for their actions — even if they are our family, friends, and partners. By opening our eyes to the reality of the people around us, we can stop ourselves from being complicit in violence. And lastly, we must also consider the language in which we speak about women and what dehumanizing terms might harbor in our unconsciousness without our realization. 

If you recognize my story, if you know the people I spoke about, I want you to know that I see you. I think about you, I consider who you are aligned with, and your actions or lack of actions have consequences. This doesn’t consume my life, but it motivates me to expose people like you, and it fuels me to continue to tell my truth. Because this isn’t a world in which we can afford to be silent.

Continued Reading: Examining The Gender Safety Gap & Women’s Safety