This post explores why some people can’t just say no to others, including people-pleasing behavior, setting boundaries, and why some people freeze in frightening scenarios. 

Why didn’t you just say no? This is a question I have asked myself dozens of times. It is also one I have often heard. I think many people can understand the feeling: a coworker asks you to take on a duty when you’re already swamped. So why did you accept it with a tight smile and not voice your true feelings? 

Perhaps this is a response you would never have, though you would like to understand why people in your life seem to always agree to things they don’t want to. Today I’m going to examine a few aspects surrounding not being able to say no to others to help people be more aware of their situational responses.

Some People Can’t Just Say No. Why?

There are a few explanations for why some people struggle with saying no. If you feel like you are surrounded by demands that you can’t ignore, you might be a people pleaser. (Or you’re overworked.)

As Very Well Mind states, people who tend to please others can struggle with saying no due to fear of causing disappointment. Then, there are some people who are just extremely helpful and don’t want to let others down. Skirting around a no could also be due to approval seeking. 

Another major reason why some people can’t just say no to others is due to boundary issues. People who have trouble setting, establishing, and maintaining boundaries in their relationships might be more willing to take on more than they can handle due to their inability to lay down healthy guidelines.

When it comes down to it, not being able to say no is a personality trait that some people possess. They are more likely to put other people above themselves and can’t clearly communicate their limitations. While this either comes from good intentions or communication gaps, it can become a burdensome way to live if you cannot just say no to certain demands and requests.

Why Just Saying No Matters

It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to let people down — just saying no is a necessary thing to do if you want to set boundaries with others. Setting boundaries is paramount to healthy interactions, as it establishes how you want to be treated, as well as what you allow. Don’t become someone to whom other people think they can pass off unsavory tasks.

Being a pushover is far different than being helpful, as boundaries are the key differentiator. But in addition to setting boundaries, it’s essential to just say no. It is actually something that can help improve your relationships with other people. As Very Well Mind outlines, saying no is needed to reduce stress, regret, and resentment. And these three traits are poisonous to harmonious relationships. 

When people take on more than they can handle, they naturally become overwhelmed. This can lead to them resenting those who proposed the tasks. It’s instead necessary to take responsibility and realize people can’t read your mind. It’s up to you to tell others what you can handle and maintain a healthy balance for the sake of all parties.

Fight, Flight, Freeze: Why You Can’t Just Say No 

There is an outlier to being able to just say no that goes far beyond advising people to stick up for themselves and dictate their boundaries. In some serious scenarios, people can completely freeze up and feel too paralyzed to voice the two-letter word. When our parasympathetic systems become overwhelmed, we can experience a state of freeze that prohibits communication.

As Medical News Today explains, stress and fear can cause the body to exhibit a variety of responses including rapid breathing, flushed skin, and tensed muscles. The responses of flight, fright, and freeze are all involuntary ways different bodies react to perceived danger, with the latter explaining why some people can’t just say no.

Those who freeze become immobile against their will. There are several reasons why this occurs biologically. The body might be readying itself for a confrontation or increasing visual perception. It can also be a response intended to help someone hide or minimize the impact of what is happening through dissociation.

Saying No Goes Beyond Words (Closing Thoughts)

In many scenarios, it’s necessary to tell others no. I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to delineate clear boundaries at the start of new relationships and stand by them. However, you have the right to voice your boundaries at any point in your interactions and make it clear when you draw the line. Even if you have been agreeing to tasks for years, you have the right to change your mind.

But there are also those scenarios in which being able to just say no feels as insurmountable as climbing a mountain with a broken leg. No is also said in ways beyond words, as silence alone is not an indication of consent. Therefore, we should forgive ourselves for the situations in which we weren’t able to say no while simultaneously honing this skill for the future.

Continued Reading: Navigating Empathy and Accountability in Friendships