In this article I explore gaslighting, one of the psychological tactics that are employed in unhealthy relationships. Know how to spot signs of this manipulation in order to avoid falling prey to psychological control. Are you ready to reclaim your power?

What constitutes an unhealthy relationship? There are obvious signs, such as violence or pervasive unhappiness. However, sometimes it’s more difficult to pinpoint just why we are upset. And perhaps that’s because our minds are being toyed with. Enter gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation that carefully plants seeds of doubt in order to make the targeted individual question their perception, views, memory, and even sanity. While this form of manipulation isn’t exclusive to romantic relationships, it does play a major role in abusive partnerships. However, gaslighting can enter your life in the form of any relationship, including in the workplace or amongst family. In order to avoid falling prey to this artful form of manipulation, let’s explore more about it.

The term “gaslighting” originated from the 1938 play Gas Light (known. as Angel Street in the U.S.), which involves a woman who is gradually manipulated by her husband to believe that she is going insane so that he can collect her inheritance. How does gaslighting transfer to real life? Like the plot of the play, gaslighting involves a party (or parties) being manipulated to rethink their sense of clarity. If you’re the party being gaslighted, then you will likely find yourself wondering is this all in my head?! In abusive relationships, gaslighting can have one partner left profoundly questioning their sense of reality in order to favor the agenda of the abusive party. Labeled an “extremely effective form of emotional abuse” by the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting transfers an enormous amount of power into the abusive partner.

Because gaslighting is performed so gradually, it can often be difficult to spot. In the play Gas Light, the husband changes little things, such as dimming the gas lighting in their home daily, and denies the wife’s convictions that changes occurred in order to attempt to ruin her sanity. Real life gaslighting is also a gradual process, performed with care as to not arouse suspicion. But make no mistake: there is an inherent danger to this manipulation. A wise man warned me not to show my personal journals to just anybody. He said that once I shared my version of reality with others, I was inviting them in to question it, with the danger lying in them performing a rewriting of my life to fit a controlling agenda. This is sage advice, because once the abuser breaks down the ability of the victim to trust their own perceptions, then the likelihood of the victim staying in the abusive relationship significantly rises. The National Domestic Violence Hotline highlights the following gaslighting techniques to be on the lookout for:

• Countering: Your partner questions your memory of things that occurred, even when you have clear memory of what happened. You know you never remember things correctly.

• Withholding: Your partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen to your version of things. Why are you trying to confuse me?

• Blocking/Diverting: Your partner changes the subject or questions your thoughts. You’re imagining things- did you get that idea from your crazy [friend] again?

• Forgetting/Denial: Your partner denies or pretends to forget what occurred, which can often include promises. I have no idea what you’re talking about, are you making that up?

• Trivializing: Your partner makes your reactions, feelings, or needs appear insignificant. You’re so sensitive to little things! Relax.

As you can see, gaslighting is performed in a way that constantly turns the table on the victim. And once even a tiny seed of doubt is planted, it becomes far easier for the abusive party’s agenda to gain traction. Since gaslighting is a subtle process, it can often be difficult to spot at first. Signs that you are falling prey to gaslighting include constantly second-guessing yourself, questioning if you are over-reacting, constant confusion, questioning your sanity, apologizing to your partner frequently, making excuses for your partner’s behavior, withholding information from close friends/family, having difficulty making decisions, feelings of hopelessness/loss of joy, loss of confidence, and the feeling that you can’t do things right. As you can tell, gaslighting can be profoundly damaging on both the victim’s sense of self and their sense of reality.

Now that we’ve explored what gaslighting is, what forms it can take, and signs that it is occurring, that brings us to a very important step. It’s time to understand how you can stop gaslighting from occurring. The first thing that you need to do in order to break this abusive cycle is recognize the pattern of behavior. The aspect of gaslighting that allows it to gain power is the victim’s unawareness. Becoming alert to what is happening will lessen the effectiveness of the manipulation. Remember that gaslighting isn’t about you. Gaslighting is performed in order for the abusive party to gain control, which often stems from a place of deep personal insecurity. Because of this, it is unlikely that you can change the gaslighter. Gaslighting is a way that abusers know how to manage and react to their world. This behavior is highly unlikely to change on its own, at least not without the gaslighter choosing to change their ways or electing to receive professional help via therapy.

Where does that leave the victim? If you are being gaslighted, it’s important to rethink the relationship. Do you want to stay with somebody who is actively manipulating you? If so, why? Oftentimes gaslighting leads to the victim needing to end relationships, create distance, or search for a new job depending on the nature of the relationship. Truly consider if this relationship is worth losing your sense of self. You can help combat the negative effects of gaslighting by developing a healthy support system full of people who you can trust and who will build you up. Gaslighting can enormously impact your sense of self, so it’s important to rebuild your self-esteem. Remember who you are (and not who the other person is telling you that you are) and work on remaining grounded in your sense of self. This might require receiving professional help in order to rebuild the areas of yourself that gaslighting has damaged.

In closing, gaslighting is often effective because it is done by someone who we have a close attachment to. We want to believe the best in our partners and trust they have our best interests at heart. However, the unfortunate reality is that some people will use the information you confide in them to manipulate your perception of the world, thus lowering your self-esteem and making you more co-dependent. Though gaslighting can be difficult to recognize due to its blurry nature, you must stand your ground in the wake of conflicting information. Memory might be faulty, but we know our truths; don’t allow anyone else to threaten that fact. Of course there are instances when we are genuinely wrong about things. However, you must be extremely wary of allowing anyone to rewrite your history and alter your perceptions as a form of control.