In this lighthearted yet cutthroat article, I break down what exactly a “toxic softboy” is in order to expose their manipulative agenda. Note: explicitly language is used. Welcome to navigating people in 2019!

If you’re over the age of 25, then the term “softboy” might not ring any bells. (Phew, I just made the cutoff!) Even if you’re under the age, the term might not be instantly recognizable. Today I’m going to break down a very specific type of softboy, the toxic variation of the original term. Along the way, I will share more about how the term was used originally and help you discover if you might be dating one. (Or if you are one!)

First it’s important to clarify the type of self-identifying softboy that I am in no way attacking. The term “softboy” is strong in K Pop influence, and was originally used to refer to a male who does not fit into the traditional definition of masculinity or adhere to stereotypical masculine gender roles. These men are often more tender, sensitive, soft spoken, fashion forward, and considered “feminine” leaning in their style and mannerisms. However, these men still identify as males, hence the term “softboy.” I am a firm believer that humans have every right to reject heteronormative culture and males can choose a softer, gentler aesthetic that allows them to embrace masculinity outside of society’s limited definition of it. The term “softboy” is also used within the trans community, which again is not the type of softboy I would ever critique.

Oh, no. The type of softboy I’m after is the “toxic softboy,” the one who operates like a fuckboy but somehow thinks it’s non offensive and justified because he dresses like an Urban Outfitters ad and listens to Bon Iver. (Hint: he’s the kind of guy you will tell you I’m not like other guys.) This is usually a cis male who samples from the aesthetic of the true softboy described above in order to craft an image that he can use to coerce women into sex. (See the difference?) For the sake of clarity, when I use the term “softboy” from here on out, I will be referring to this type of toxic male, and I will be referring to him as a heterosexual.

While toxic masculinity has been getting its reckoning for a little while now with the recognition of “fuckboys,” softboys are the latest in the breed of modern malaise-inducing masculinity. Defined by Buzzfeed News as “part identity, part aesthetic. He’s nonthreatening, nontoxic, and knows how to wear a pastel. At least, that’s the dream,” softboys are also recognized to some as being “the fuckboy’s deceptive brother.” While fuckboys are certainly well-versed in manipulation, many of them are also unapologetically obnoxious. They’re proud to be douche bags, and as unappealing as that might be, at least they generally recognize what they are. In fact, many women who gravitate towards them know that they are fuckboys, but become hooked anyway for varying reasons. (But that’s a whole other discussion.)

While I’m in no way advocating for fuckboys, I will say that they at least tend to have a degree of self-awareness, even if their behavior doesn’t bother them in the slightest and they have no desire to change. On the other hand, softboys strike me as more loathsome, because like the “nice guy,” they refuse to recognize their own manipulative and entitled nature. They want the exact same thing as the fuckboy (I bet you can guess what), but they inexplicably feel the need to manipulate your emotions in the process, and they’re too pretentious and delusional to see themselves for who they truly are. And that, my friends, is infuriating.

Are you still with me? Maybe we need a scenario…

You meet him at slam poetry, and he waxes poetic about underground indie pop and suggests you grab Americanos at a vegan crêpe cafe where you stay up into the wee hours of the night smoking unfiltered cigarettes and discussing Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex and whether or not virginity is a social construct. Though this type of guy might seem intelligent at first listen, if you really pay attention to what he’s saying, it’s a whole lot of nothing. However, he speaks with such conviction and blind confidence that you follow him back to his place anyway, where you engage in three and a half minutes of mediocre sex, and he weeps afterwards and calls you his muse before asking intimate questions about your childhood as he unpacks decades old trauma and tells you he needs to spend the rest of the night alone. And then even though he promised he was going to paint you later in the week because he finds your depression inspiring, he actually never texts you back. It’s somewhere around this point that you realize that even though he wears hemp and “doesn’t believe in” deodorant, you were with a fuckboy all along.

As Buzzfeed News puts it, “He is, and always was, a fuckboy. The only difference is that he had a soft exterior and just enough of a hint of depth that you got tricked.” There is the unforgivable part. The goal of the fuckboy is pretty clear: he wants sex, and he doesn’t want commitment. But while softboys are after the exact same thing, they inexplicably feel the need to emotionally manipulate their potential conquests as well. They provide just enough of an open emotional connection so that the women they are after feel vulnerable and emotionally invested, and then they hit it and quit it just like the fuckboy. To make matters worse, unlike the fuckboy, the softboy can often be harder to spot.

Does this guy sound at all familiar? Let’s explore some signs that you’re dating a softboy. Well of course, he’s not like other guys. Sure he slides into your DMs like all the others, but he does it respectfully. He inquires about your day and wants to discuss feminist theories and discover more about your childhood. He doesn’t ask to see you naked, he just wants to see your soul naked. He enjoys discussing philosophy and literature, and by “enjoys,” I mean he likes to lecture you on all the unique perspectives that only his mind can understand, you know the ones that are so not mainstream. You can recognize him by his ardent love of vinyl, his thrift store finds, and his mellow indie tunes. Maybe he’s the guy who carries his guitar around to parties or spontaneously breaks out on his harmonica. This social warrior has a lot of opinions (which are all naturally correct), which he will make sure to tell you about through using five dollar words that are usually used in the wrong context. In short, you’d never expect this guy to be a fuckboy, because he would never hurt you like your ex did and he seems so different from the stereotypic player.

Whiny, patronizing, entitled, unwavering in their “superior” beliefs, softboys present a real headache to navigating modern day romance. At the same time, these toxic softboys sully the title of true softboys, the ones who have created their own division of masculinity that meets a softer aesthetic. Toxic softboys have tainted a term that was once genuinely pure and an important identity marker and transformed it to pretty much mean indie fuckboy. And we shouldn’t let them get away with that.

In closing, you don’t have to adhere to traditional masculine gender roles to be considered a “true man.” And you don’t have to fall for the toxic softboy’s spiel. See right through the softboys in your life and hit them with some mainstream rejection like thank u, next!