Today I’m going to examine narcissistic personality disorder with the goal of helping vulnerable people avoid being controlled by textbook narcissists. If you’re anything like me, your personality is a narcissist’s feeding ground. Don’t roll over and allow narcissistic personalities to control your life.

In the age of social media, it seems like everyone is a narcissist. Somewhere since its inception in 2010, Instagram transformed from being a platform for sharing photos you took to sharing photos people took of you. (If you think I’m being superior, scroll through my Instagram for a collection of the same tilted head, soft smile selfies. I’m right there in the boat next to you, and I’m aware.) This kind of “casual narcissism” pervades the internet and streams into the real world, boosting thoughts of superiority, entitlement, and self-absorption. At the same time, there is a difference between showing off and celebrating yourself. In truth, there’s nothing inherently wrong about being into yourself, as long as it is balanced with a healthy level of caring for others and isn’t the dominating part of your personality. Today I’m going to discuss what happens when that level of narcissism exceeds “healthy” amounts and actually forms a person’s core personality.

So what exactly is a narcissist? A “narcissist” might be your friend who constantly checks his reflection in your Ray-Bans at lunch (oh wait, that’s my friend). But today, so that I don’t throw the word “narcissist” out too casually, I am going to discuss the actual personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder, as you can tell by the name, is a personality disorder, which means that it is a mental condition. People with this type of personality disorder are not able to strike the aforementioned healthy balance between appreciating yourself and caring about others. They have an inflated sense of their own importance, while simultaneously displaying a lack of empathy for others. As the Mayo Clinic terms it, “behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” Therefore, narcissistic personality disorders can lead to a lot of conflict in interpersonal relationships, including familial, romantic, and work-related ones.

While diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder requires a professional evaluation (and not my Bachelor’s in English), there are signs and symptoms of this disorder that you can be aware of. People with this disorder tend to have an exaggerated sense of their importance, breeding entitlement and the need for constant attention and admiration. They tend to monopolize conversations and expect special treatment. Though symptoms vary in severity, these individuals often view themselves as superior and can become preoccupied with fantasies of their own (exaggerated) grandeur. Their sense of superiority causes them to seek out people who are of perceived equal status, while taking advantage of other people to get what they want, amounting to a very arrogant individual who doesn’t feel guilty about using and discarding others.

There are many aspects of narcissistic personality disorder that can go hand in hand with textbook abuse. People with this disorder tend to be unable to or simply refuse to recognize the feelings and needs of those around them, making them potentially unhealthy partners to have if they are not willing to receive treatment and modify their responses and behavior. The door for emotional manipulation swings wide open in many cases, because people with narcissistic personality disorder are often extremely reactive to criticism, making it extraordinarily difficult to assert your needs in the relationship. Their difficulty with regulating their emotions can cause toxic situations and lead to to rage and belittlement in an attempt for them to reclaim their feeling of superiority. For example, people with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely gifted at flipping the script in an argument. If you bring up a concern to them and suddenly find yourself profusely apologizing for their behavior, then red flags should automatically go up.

If you’re a strong character judge, then you might be able to spot a narcissistic personality a mile away. However, not all of us have the luxury of accurate assessment. The good news is that you can train and teach yourself to be a better judge of character in order to lessen the chances of getting ensnared in the narcissist’s trap. And you can change certain aspects of your social approaches to lessen your chance of getting hurt by a narcissist. Some very sage advice I received while trying to improve my ability to assess who I can trust is to take things slow and be cautious when it comes to opening up to new people. Opening up to narcissists too soon, especially in romantic situations, fuels them with ammunition that they can later use against you to control you and rope you into adhering to their agenda. So you can protect yourself by guarding your vulnerabilities, not for forever, but until you have established a degree of trust.

The good news is that you can learn to navigate the narcissists in your life. Whether it be your boss, a family member, or a friend, you don’t have to completely cut someone out of your life because they have this disorder. You simply have to know how to operate with them so that you don’t internalize their personal problems. A lot of people with this disorder also have secret feelings of shame and insecurity, as well as depression and elevated stress, humiliation, and vulnerability levels. Though it may not seem like it, they are often suffering plenty on their own, but that doesn’t mean they have to stay miserable. People with personality disorders can often improve dramatically through the treatment of psychotherapy, which allows them to talk through their problems and find new approaches to their behavior. As long as the person with the disorder is personally (which is the difficult part) willing to seek help and change their behaviors, then relationships can work out. At the same time, this information is in no way intended to stigmatize this disorder.

As I wrap things up, I want to reaffirm that just because someone is narcissistic doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life. It just means you have to understand your role in the relationship and not allow the other personality to manipulate or control you. At the end of the day, the most important aspect is that you are advocating for yourself. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable to internalizing other people’s insecurities.