This article explores how to leave an abuser and what can happen if you remain in an abusive relationship. It intends to offer support, breed empathy, and shed insight.
Leaving an abuser is one of the most difficult if not most difficult things someone can be asked to do. To people on the outside, it appears glaringly simple: If you are abused, you leave. Some people have had this concept hammered into them since childhood, which causes them to lose sympathy for those who do not immediately exit abusive situations. However, leaving an abuser is not simple. If you are reading this, there is a good chance you or someone you know is being abused. Being told to leave the relationship is a reductive response to what you are experiencing, but here is the stark truth about your situation.
Understanding Abuse
It’s critical to remember that abuse comes in many different forms. Someone doesn’t have to react physically to be abusive. Many people try to downplay or brush off the non-physical abuse they experience because they don’t recognize emotional, verbal, and sexual forms of abuse. Many others cling to abusive situations because they blame themselves for the issues of their abuser. Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. We are not responsible for other people’s reactions or responses. People choose to be abusive, and that is something that is entirely on them.
The thing about abuse is that it seldom presents itself from the start. It is a carefully constructed spider web laid out with the intent to trap its victims. Abusers are often very skilled at being charming. They might first bombard you with gifts and affection and make you feel like you are seen. The abuse only surfaces once you have been pulled deep into the relationship. The contrast between who the person is and who they presented themselves to be is jarring. Many abuse victims remain in the situations as they hope to get back the person they first met.
Control is the crux of abuse, and abuse victims are almost always controlled by their abusers. Abusers isolate their victims from friends and family, and victims are often financially dependent on their abusers. However, it’s important to realize that people aren’t black and white. Victims often have real feelings for the people who abuse them. Whether these feelings are honest or a product of manipulation doesn’t matter. It is a uniquely devastating and heartbreaking situation to have someone you love abuse you. That’s one of the many reasons why walking away isn’t so straightforward.
Leaving The Situation
Not only is leaving an abusive situation difficult, but it is sometimes deadly. Leaving an abusive situation is almost always the most dangerous part of a relationship. However, that doesn’t mean you should stay. Do you know what else is dangerous? Remaining with an abusive person. What you can do is devise a safe and surefire plan for exiting the situation without putting yourself in more danger. There is no correct solution for everyone, and some people can not afford to wait, but here are some things you can consider.
If you have to confront an abuser, make sure to do it in a public setting. Never confront an abuser when you are alone. It is essential to build a reliable support system. Consider which friends and family members you can rely on to have your back and protect you. Be smart with who you confide in, but do not be ashamed. You can and will be able to leave an abusive situation even if you don’t have anyone on your side. Support systems are very helpful, but you are the key to getting out. Understand what resources are in your area.
It’s necessary to devise a plan to leave the relationship. Don’t tell your abuser you are leaving them. Come up with a plan to establish a safe and separate place to stay. If you do not know anyone who can help you, research shelters in the area and discover what resources are at your disposal. Gather personal documents and financial means. Try to do what you can to separate your finances from your partner without raising suspicion. If you feel that you can take the time to establish it without putting your life at immediate risk by staying, set up a safe and secure place that you can go to. Remember: you don’t owe your abuser anything. Please keep in mind that the longer you remain in an abusive situation, the higher degree of danger you are exposing yourself to.
See: How to Exit an Abusive Relationship Safely (Very Well Mind)
If You Stay
What if you don’t want to leave? When people told me to break up with my abusive partner, I didn’t listen. So I get the hesitancy to walk away. He pulled a knife on me, kicked me in the ribs, and hurled insults at me. He smashed things and ruined my art. He choked me against the wall. He even looked me in the eyes and told me how he planned to murder me with chillingly realistic detail. But I didn’t leave until somebody sat me down and told me that he was worried he would turn on the news one day and see that my ex had killed me.
If you stay, you might be killed. This is a fact. When someone physically harms you, especially when they put their hands around your throat, your risk of being murdered rises exponentially. Violence often escalates. What begins as frequent putdowns and insults could escalate into shoves and slaps and cumulate in strangulation. Just because physical abuse isn’t immediately present doesn’t mean it won’t appear in your relationship over time. The facts point at your abuser getting physical with you as the relationship continues, putting you and any of your children or pets in immediate danger.
There are many ways that abuse can and will make you feel reduced as a person. Abuse might not overtly kill you, but it could be death by a thousand cuts. When you experience abuse every day, you begin to normalize it. That’s how you can start sinking without realizing it. Over time, you begin to have your happiness, self-esteem, worth, self-value, and joy for life slowly drained away from you until one day you try to breathe and realize there is no air left. I understand your excuses and reasons for not wanting to leave your abuser. But you have to recognize that if you stay, your future is grim.
Outside Perspective
Ultimately only victims of abuse can decide if they are going to leave their situation. It can be extremely frustrating to witness someone you love being abused. However, trying to force someone out of an abusive relationship often drives them deeper into the relationship. What can you do? Be honest and express your fears to your loved one. Offer them a way out. Devise a safe and piratical plan and present it to your friend. Let them know they have options. Let them know they are loved.
Abuse victims aren’t immune to criticism. It can be overwhelming to watch someone in an abusive situation, and it can be extremely frustrating. However, you have to ultimately allow the person to live their life knowing they are supported. Don’t judge people who remain in abusive situations and try not to give up on them. Your support and friendship could be the rock that they rely on one day to pull them out of their hell if you are willing to be that form of support. It’s also necessary not to pity people who are abused. Pity and compassion are two very different things.
You could save someone’s life by showing them a way out. It goes a long way when you offer love, support, compassion, and empathy. The very least you can do is believe someone when they tell you that they are being abused. It doesn’t matter if their abuser seemed like a great person or if they were nice to you. Maybe that person is awesome to their friends and family and perhaps that person is an excellent parent. However, that doesn’t mean that person doesn’t abuse their partner. If someone tells you they are abused, listen to them.
Closing Words
There are so many reasons why people remain in abusive situations. Children, finances, isolation, social pressure, threats, lack of resources, victim-blaming- the list goes on and on. But consider this. Try imagining yourself as a child or imagine the person who is dearest to you in the world. If that person was being abused like you are, would you still make excuses for the abuser? Would you still justify their actions? Would you tell your loved one to stay? What would you do to protect that person?
Here is the hard truth that you need to understand: Leaving an abuser is not easy. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. It might be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life, and it won’t automatically solve everything. Life doesn’t magically get better once you walk away because it is hard to rebuild your life. It requires teeth and sweat and even blood. But you deserve that chance to build a life. You deserve the shot at life even if you don’t fully believe it. It doesn’t matter if you have been abused for five weeks or five years or five decades. You deserve to live your life without an abuser and you can rebuild your life after abuse. Trust me. I know.